Broken image

Have you ever taken the time to really look at yourself in the mirror and to question what lies beneath the surface?

This is not going to be easy to talk about, but I feel I need to get it out.

I have had some rough times lately, but last night was an especially difficult one for me. For quite some time now I have been battling with allergies and have had to become extremely cautious about what I eat. I don't have many options and have a hard time finding enough food each day. I have dealt with weakness, fatigue, and hunger pains for months now. This past week I got a stomach bug and have only been able to consume liquids. Last night I took a bath and became dizzy and nauseated to the point where I was worried I might black out. So I got out, got sick, and then stared at myself in the mirror for awhile. What I saw startled me a bit. I looked empty, drained, and ghost-like. I know I need to find a way to get more nutrients in me, but it is such a struggle to find recipes I can actually make. Right now I am pretty much living on raw fruits, vegetables, nuts, and grains. Unlike most vegans, I can not have soy products. Out of hunger, I have tried to force myself to eat meat and have thrown up each time. My body is rejecting certain foods and I feel like I am going through some sort of cleaning or fast.. but not by choice. Last night I laid in bed sobbing and begging God to help me to understand why he is allowing me to go through this, what is the purpose behind it? This morning I woke up and knew.

For 10 years now I have had a vision of starting a church. In my mind I envisioned it being a warm, comfortable coffee shop like atmosphere with fairy lights strung about, beautiful icons on the walls, candles and incense burning, monk chanting music playing in the background. There were other people there around my age, families and couples all coming together to pray and eat and laugh together. To share our hopes and dreams over a broken piece of bread and glass of wine. To be a community that supports and encourages each other to be more Christ-like.

Although that is still a beautiful dream of mine, I don't think it was until now that I could even begin to understand what it means to be more Christ-like. Last night through sobs, I felt his brokenness, his pain, his torment. It was as real as if I were there standing beneath the cross, witnessing it myself. I felt loneliness and abandonment.. a starving, aching hunger to let go of myself and be filled with a love and an understanding that goes beyond the physical feeling of being fulfilled by food and human beings and material things. I realized how badly I need Him.

My vision is slowly beginning to change. I still see a community, but we are brought together now by our brokenness and suffering, our sinful natures, are screw-ups and imperfections. I see a church made up of people who aren't afraid to take a deep look into the mirror and cry out to God for a change to come. I feel a deep longing to help others who are suffering, hungry, scared, and alone. I desperately need people like that in my life. The homeless, the starving, the lost, the weary. And so I believe that God has allowed me to become broken, so that I can understand what it means to go without, what it means to sacrifice, and to ache inside to the point of helplessness. To feel a longing that cannot be filled by anything else but Him.

It was here in Columbus where I lost myself so many years ago, and here I am back where I started now. Only with new eyes, a new heart, and a hope and faith that exceeds all human understanding. It was 10 years ago that I fist cried out to God for help, to take my life and restore it back to health. He drained me, emptied me, and restored my soul. I have tried my hardest to walk this path alongside him, getting lost and distracted many, many times along the way. Being a Christian is a difficult path to take, especially when it is one that you did not choose yourself, for it choose me and although I don't know completely where I am headed, I trust that God will lead me along the way. He knows how much it aches inside, because he too was once human and experienced torture, pain, and ridicule Himself. Each morning when I struggle to find the strength to get out of bed, it is this knowing that reminds me that I am not alone. And as weak as my physical body has become, I am strengthened by the knowing that God does not want me to suffer, but must allow it in order that His plan for my life be fulfilled. And for that, I can do nothing else but to praise Him.

There's a Ginny Owen's song which lingers in me during these moments of weakness and difficult seasons of my life entitled, "If you want me to".

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

ya oh oh no

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I go through the valley If You want me to