I am finally starting to physically heal. I went back to the doctor yesterday after taking all of my antibiotics because I was still having ear pain. I found out that I also now have a sinus infection, which is the reason for the continued pain and pressure. I am now on my second dose of antibiotics. I also suffered through a 24 hour flu bug the other evening on top of everything else. Thankfully it seems to have passed and my lungs have mostly cleared up as well. I know so many people are struggling now with sickness and I pray healing for all of you who not feeling well... may God bring you strength and comfort.
Emotionally I am finally healing as well. I had a rough week... it was a time of mourning for me as I looked back upon 10 years of marriage. I feel it hit me a lot harder because I was so physically weak and at my most vulnerable. As I have said, to me it ended 3 years ago when we took off our rings. But we continued holding onto hope, holding on for our boys and for our family. The marriage was broken, but we were not free from the past completely. So, when the papers were finally signed, I felt a sudden rush of release. Someone close to me compared it recently to being told of an accident, a death... knowing it to be true and trying to come to terms with the fact, but it not completely sinking in until you are standing over the coffin... a flood of memories rushing back... the finality of it all sets in, and eventually acceptance comes.
I feel the need to clarify though that although I experienced a sort of "death", there was so much release and peace afterward. I went through what you could say was, a resurrection. I feel more fully alive than I have ever felt before. My senses are acute... my heart filled to the brim... I allowed myself to be emptied of the past, while taking with me so much wisdom as I move on. My faith has continued to strengthen as I spent several intimate days alone with God. I took much time asking for forgiveness, purging myself of sin, of guilt for mistakes that I have made in the past... and I have been able to release those things, become cleansed again, and given the chance to begin a new life... I feel emptied and yet completely filled with love, happiness, and an amazing sense of peace. Lord, it feels so good to be alive again! This coming new year is going to have such a significant meaning to me. :)
"I was born to laugh, I learned to laugh through my tears. I was born to love, I'm going to learn to love, without fear..."
Amazingly enough... through all these years of heartache and struggle and pain and emptiness... God has seen the desires of my heart. He has heard my cries through many dark days and nights... He knows exactly and perfectly what it is that I have desired for so long now. I am a bit hesitant to openly share this, but...
Slowly... ever so softly... and a bit unexpectedly...
A friendship of mine has recently unfolded into a beautiful new love. The thousands of miles that separate us are giving me the time and space I need to heal and transition... it is teaching me patience and giving me strength as I enter into this new season of my life. This time around I am going about things a bit differently.. I am letting go and allowing God to lead. Our relationship is centered around Him and we trust that everything will continue to unfold in His timing... in the meantime, we are continuing to build upon our friendship as we have committed ourselves to one another in a long-distance courtship. I never in a million years expected this, and yet it feels as though I have been preparing and waiting my entire life for him. I am so incredibly happy. :)
More soon...
XOXO, Erin
