How to cook your life

I watched a really lovely dvd from the library the other evening entitled, "How to cook you life" with Zen Chef Edward Espe Brown. Oh, how he has captured my heart! Overall the film taught me to pay attention to what I'm doing in the kitchen and to just really be in the moment. When you're stirring the soup, stir the soup. When you're chopping a carrot, chop the carrot. Our minds are filled with a dozen racing distractions and in turn, we forget to focus on what we're doing in the present moment, and to just relax and enjoy it. One thing that I loved too is that they never waste food. They will take all of the leftovers and make them into one huge pot of soup to take to the homeless or throw whatever they find leftover onto a pizza. My own mom is also really good about not wasting anything. Even if there is just a little bit left of something she will wrap it up to save for later. Having to cut back on spending money more recently, I have become much more aware of what we throw out and try to make food last as long as possible.

So, last night I decide to take whatever I could find leftover in the fridge and pantry and make a yummy soup out of it. Unfortunately, I had a reaction to what I'm assuming is the store bought vegetable broth (containing tomatoes and onions) so the next time I make this I am going to have to make my own homemade broth ahead of time. I wanted to pass on this yummy recipe I came up with to you, but also encourage you to dig around in your kitchen and pantry as well, see what you find, and throw it all into a big pot of soup! I also finally came up with a tasty vegan peanut butter cookie recipe for dessert. Enjoy! :)

Snow day soup (makes enough for 4)

4 cups vegetable broth (homemade ahead of time or store bought)
1 cup almond milk (I like Almond Breeze, but whatever you have)
1-2 large sweet potatoes, cubed
2 carrots, chopped
a few bunches of kale, stems cut out and discarded, leaves chopped
sea salt to taste
handful of almonds

I simmered the kale in the vegetable broth for half an hour then added the potatoes and carrots in to simmer for another hour. I stirred the almond milk in towards the end to add a bit of
creaminess. Add salt to taste. Serve and sprinkle a few almonds on top of each bowl and dig in!

As a side dish, I simmered some chopped up apples and pears in a cup of orange juice for about half an hour. I know it is tempting to want to add extra sweetener, but I love them just as sweet as they naturally are. If you must though, drizzle a bit of agave nectar on top. :)

Simple vegan peanut butter cookies (makes 1-2 dozen)

2 cups unbleached all purpose flour or whole wheat pastry flour
1 tsp. baking soda
3/4 tsp sea salt
1/3 cup light or extra virgin olive oil
1 cup organic peanut butter (I buy Giant Eagle's brand that has no sugar or salt added)
1 cup agave nectar (or you can use maple syrup)

Pre-heat oven to 350'

Mix all dry ingredients together in one bowl (flour, baking soda, salt)
Then mix wet ingredients together in another larger bowl (olive oil, agave, and peanut butter)
Add the dry to the wet and stir well.
Let dough chill in the fridge for at least half an hour
Form into balls, press down with fork to make a criss cross pattern on top
Bake at 350' for 10 min (12 at most)

Enjoy with a glass of almond milk!

Eat Grub

Although I am in the draining process of trying to find enough food to eat, I have also become ever so presently aware of what I am putting into my body each day. I believe that God is working through me somehow, cleansing me of everything I thought I once knew about food and health. I feel as though I am being re-taught. Taken back to the Garden of Eden to re-learn how to eat again. My taste buds have been heightened, fruit that seemed bland before has become so sweet and juicy in my mouth. Breads taste grainy and wholesome, vegetables crisp and cleansing. I am aware of texture and color, ripeness and freshness. I have become acutely sensitive to chemicals and my body rejects processed food and excess sugar.

Right now my struggle is to keep up with how quickly my body is processing these foods. Because they are not heavy, my digestive system is far less sluggish and I don't feel weighed down by the food I am putting into my body. This is a good thing. My problem though is feeling hungry too much of the time. I find myself having to eat smaller meals, but more often. Sometimes if I begin to feel lightheaded I will eat a Larabar or a banana and instantly feel better. I know that eventually I will find a good healthy balance and start feeling more energized. But right now I am going through a difficult cleansing transition.

I am also becoming more and more aware of how the food I eat and purchase makes a difference in my home, my community, and my world. I feel strongly that it is my job to educate my children and those whom I love. But also to reach out to others who do not have access to healthy organic produce, the money to purchase such products, and the knowledge of how to make healthy meals for themselves and their families.

I can understand the frustrations of those who are living without. I do have a few advantages in that I have a husband who works two jobs to provide us with food, we have two vehicles to get us to and from grocery stores, and access to healthy food options, including natural food stores. Trying to find affordable fresh seasonal produce in the wintertime is a struggle through. Produce does not stay fresh very long, so I am constantly having to replenish our supply. We also have two growing hungry boys, who eat a vegetarian diet. Each month the amount of money we seem to spend on groceries increases and we struggle and have to go without other things in order to keep up. I try to make food last and save money by making vegan casseroles and homemade bread. It is not always financially possible, nor do I have the energy to make all our food from scratch. There are many days when the boys eat peanut butter & jelly, grilled cheese, vegetable soup, Annie-O's, veggie dogs, and apple or orange slices for lunch. Up until a few months ago, we have all drank soy milk, with the exception of panda (who at my urging, is finally starting to buy organic cow milk.) Recently I have switched to almond milk, and occasionally rice milk, after eliminating soy from my diet. I am trying to get the boys to switch to almond as well, but their taste buds are already used to soy, so I am having difficulty getting them to transition. They do eat a little bit of dairy through cheese and yogurt. It has been at least 10 years since I stopped drinking regular cow milk and I consume very little to no dairy products or meat. My diet consists mostly of fruits, vegetables, nuts, and grains. I am being drawn back to the beginning, to the original sources of food that God put on our Earth, while trying to eat them in their most natural and organic form.

It is hard trying to eat healthy on a budget, but it is so important to me that we are willing to sacrifice other things in order to be able to buy the food we need. I can't remember the last time the papa and I bought new clothes. We wear them until they fall apart and then usually shop at used clothing/vintage stores. We take the kids' old clothes to "Once upon a Child" in exchange for money to buy new, gently-used clothes. We take advantage of our local library system to get free books and DVD's. Occasionally we buy used books through Amazon or our local half-priced bookstore. We rarely go out to eat, mostly because I can't eat restaurant food and because it is expensive for a family of four to eat out plus leave a tip. Once in awhile we treat ourselves to Alladin's (although the last time I spent most of the time sitting there thinking about how much more inexpensively I could make all the food myself).

Sometimes I get tired of hearing people say that they can't afford Organic food. To me it's a matter of deciding what is most important to you and what you are willing to give up in order to eat healthier. Don't get me wrong, we don't buy all organic and only purchase items from Whole Foods that we can't find anywhere else. But I wish people would take a minute to think about the food they are spending their money on. Could you possibly give up a few of your pre-processed foods in exchange for something live, organic, and good for your body and the environment? Is there anything else in your life that you are willing to part with in exchange for some fresh organic fruits and vegetables? Please take a minute to read labels. If there are words you don't recognize, do you really want to put those mystery ingredients into your body? And also, pay attention to where your food is coming from. Has it been shipped out of Country to get to the store and then to your table? That's a long process. Try if possible to support local farmers and businesses. Take time to get to know the people and places from which you are buying your food. And lastly, take a minute to appreciate the food on your plate in front of you. I ask you to say a silent prayer or at least take time to give thought to the millions out there who are hungry and for the overworked farmer struggling to put food on his own family's table.

I hope that I don't sound preachy. I just feel the urgent need to share with others what I am going through personally as I continue to change my diet, in hopes that it will raise an awareness in the lives of others. There is an eye-opening book that I am reading right now entitled, "Grub" by Anna Lappe' and Eric Schlosser. If you have a chance, please take time to visit their website to learn more about these food awareness pioneers at, www.eatgrub.org.

Roger Roger

A typical conversation in our house goes something like this...

"You can be Anakin and I can be a badrogerrogerbattledroidguy!" -E

"What's a roger roger?" -me

"That's what he calls the battle droids because after they're done talking to each other they always say, roger roger!" -A

"Oh, thank goodness somebody understands!" -me

(laughs)

"Mommy, why did Anakin cross the street?" -E

"I dunno, why?"- me

"To get to Obe one kenobi!" -E

(laughs)

"Ahh.. of course!" -me (slapping my forehead)


Today our spaceship crashed on the Planet Corisant and we had to set up camp, which quickly got destroyed during battle by spider droids, along with our spaceship. We are now stranded on this strange planet, but thankfully it is where Anakin grew up so he is familiar with the area. It is also the home to Jabba the Hut. In the meantime we must rebuild our shelter before dark and find someone on the planet who knows how to repair space ships. Jabba is in a grumpy mood so we are hoping that Watto might be able to give us a hand. We are running low on fuel and need to replenish our food supply, hopefully Obi One Kenobi will show up with supplies soon. Please wish us luck on our journey! And stay tuned..

Yours truly,
Padme

*Story has been revised from my original version with help from little Jedi. Names have been changed in order to protect the innocent from rolling death balls (aka; spider droids).

What are you staring at?

It just keeps snowing and snowing outside our windows, and I have to admit that I love the beautiful soft white stuff as long as I can stay inside where it's warm and cozy. School was canceled today and as much as I was looking forward to spending time at a new friend's house, I am happy to not be out driving today. I am worried about the panda and hope he makes it home safely this evening. Snow days like this are a nice reminder of what life could be like if we decide to homeschool. The boys have been keeping themselves busy playing and my oldest loves to sit and work, without me even suggesting it to him. He has been writing sentences and short stories, getting the majority of the words correctly spelled. I gently help correct the mis-spelled ones when he brings them to me to read. I love that he enjoys writing and working in workbooks. My younger one has even recently taken a liking for workbooks and although needs a bit more supervision, seems to catch on quickly. They are both also attempting to read and we spend a lot of time snuggled up on the couch together with books. It's funny because the other day, my younger one was staring at me intently as I was reading quietly to myself. Eventually he asked what I was staring at. Ha! It had never dawned on me that he thought I was just staring at the page and didn't realize that I was reading in my head. It's wonderful how each day my children give me a new child-like perspective that I have over time lost as an aldult. I love that I am able to learn right alongside of them, each day discovering something new myself.

I am re-reading John Holt's book "Teach your Own" right now. I have read all of his books, but it has been years, probably since before having children.. so I am trying to re-fresh my memory. I am also looking forward to visiting with a friend this weekend who homeschools her children, hoping that if I spend time talking with someone who is actually doing it that it will lesson my anxiety. I know we still have time to decide, but the school year is already half over and it is a decision that I don't want to be making days before having to decide whether or not to re-enroll my oldest in school. I want to feel a confidence one way or another before getting to that place. I have always felt more lead to an unschooling or relaxed homeschooling method. I have no interest in doing the same exact things he would be doing in school, only at home. I think there are so many other ways in which to learn, but I worry with Ohio's laws and required test-taking if I will be able to homeschool in the way I want to.

I really could use some input, book suggestions, and personal experience stories! Anyone reading, please feel free to respond on here, or send me an e-mail.. I would love your input. :) Thanks!

I'm on the outside, I'm looking in..

I have that song stuck in my head that goes, "I'm on the outside, I'm looking in. I can see through you, see to the real you. Inside you're ugly, you're ugly like me. I can see through you, see to the real you." Not sure if those are the correct lyrics and I'm feeling too lazy to look them up now. Anyway..

Before moving back to the Columbus area I started looking around at churches online and came across a website that intrigued me. I e-mailed the pastor and told him that we were moving soon and would love to come visit his church. A couple months have gone by now and we have been in hibernation mode, only leaving the house to go to school, work, and to get books and food. After the past several rough weeks (okay.. months) I've had, I really felt that my soul could use a little community and maybe some uplifting music. So we braved the cold and made the drive to check out this new little church. It turned out to be all I could have hoped for and more.

We were warmly welcomed by several couples around our age, sang some beautiful old hymns and new songs which left me with a much needed sense of peace, and listened to a refreshingly simple and honest sermon by a younger pastor, who seems to have wisdom beyond his years. All in all it was a truly authentic experience. The church seems to have found a nice balance between embracing the lovely traditions of singing hymns, praying the Lord's prayer, and taking communion mixed with an awareness, fresh perspective, and understanding of what is going on in the world today. They are not stuck in the past, but hold deep to Scripture. And not so modern that they have left Jesus behind in the process. I can say this with confidence, because many of the countless churches I have visited in the past seem to have been one extreme or the other.

Beyond that, everyone made us feel comfortable without it feeling forced. Even my youngest, who will not usually stay in the nursery or Sunday school class without me, stayed with the pastor's wife. To me, that says a lot. I trust my childrens' insticts sometimes more than my own. After leaving, our oldest asked if we liked the church and told us that he wants to go back. I have been in places where I felt either bombarded by fake smiles and overly zealous people who had an agenda or just completely lost in a sea of fish and completely ignored. Here, there was no pressure, but we were invited to come to an evening home group, or if that didn't work for us, to the pastor's house for dinner. His wife also invited the kids and I to a playgroup in their home that we are planning to go to tomorrow.

I just have to stop now for a minute because I'm getting emotional.

Let me just say that we have visited every type of denomination out there. I have had a few good experiences, but for the most part I have always felt like an outsider looking in. Seeing clicks of people into which I didn't fit. Or there was something about certain places that just felt off to me. I would find aspects of churches that I was lead to, but then my spirit would question other things about it and then lead me someplace else. I never felt completely at home. Church after church after church we began to grow weary, so we stopped searching. It was just recently that I began to pray again for community.

Faith and spiritual growth are not based on whether someone goes to church or not. Many good examples of this are in the book I just finished entitled, "Divine Nobodies" by Jim Palmer. I have many close friends who I know I can talk to if I need to, some are Christian, some not. But there are times in my life where I feel as though I am walking through the desert alone and need a drink and a place to rest. A place where I can lay my burdens down and be surrounded by others who share my faith and are there for me to listen and pray. I feel that I need a community of support right now and it is something that I have been praying for daily.

I am looking forward to spending more time getting to know the people of this young church in hopes of maybe finding a place we can finally call home.

Thank you Jesus for listening to my heart.. and for inviting us in.

Living without

I know I talk about my allergies a lot, but it is something that is consuming my life right now and I really feel the need to vent about it.

My oldest is vegetarian and loves sushi, so occasionally I will pick him up some at Whole Foods. I got him some this past weekend and wondered to myself if I could eat it too if I omitted the vinegar and sugar (plus, I figured it would be much more economical if I made it myself). So, I bought some sushi rice, dried seaweed, and already had some veggies at home. I figured they would probably taste fairly bland and not quite like real sushi without the vinegar and sugar, but I was willing to compromise taste in order to get some food into my tummy. So, I rolled up some beautiful avocado, cucumber, and carrot rolls using only water to seal it with and ate a couple. Instantly I started feeling light headed, wheezy, and my face and throat started going numb. I quickly took some allergy medicine, used my inhaler, and called the panda. I was supposed to pick up my oldest from school soon and was afraid I might pass out, so he left work early to pick him up and stayed with me until the swelling and wheeziness subsided. Dried seaweed is not on the list my allergist gave me of foods to avoid, nor is it on the more inclusive list that I have printed out and have memorized. I did however find it listed online later after searching. Sulfites are tricky to detect sometimes. They are rarely listed on labels and you just have to be well informed and extra cautious about every little thing you eat. It's exhausting and frustrating.

This past Sunday we visited a new church (more about that later). At the end of the service believers took communion and I could not participate. I have been to Orthodox and Catholic churches where I could not take communion because I wasn't Orthodox or Catholic. It always upset me and is something I still don't understand. I can see not partaking in Communion if you are not a believer, because it is a sacred act of sharing something intimate with Christ and the body of the Church. But, I never got why as a Christian I was not allowed to take Communion. I mean, I know the Church's reason behind it, but it doesn't make sense to me and I don't agree with it. So.. anyway, here I am at a new Church where all believers are welcome to partake in the sacred act of breaking bread.. and I still can't! (Well, I could if I wanted to possibly spend the rest of the evening in the hospital.) Thankfully people just sort of went up a few at a time, not necessarily in any order, so I am hoping nobody noticed that I stayed in my seat.

One of the things I am struggling most with is feeling left out. Whenever I am invited to attend a party or go out with a group of people or am invited to dinner, I have to either eat before I go or bring special food with me. Food has always been a way of interacting and communing with other people and it saddens me that it is difficult for me to partake in community meals, have dinner with friends, or go out of town. It requires so much energy and preparation on my part that it's almost easier for me to just stay home. I know it's not healthy and I need to get out and socialize, but I feel so different from everyone else. Although friends try to accommodate me as much as they can, I think people are confused by this allergy and don't know what types of food to prepare. Every day I struggle to find enough food that I can eat. I have poured over dozens of cookbooks and have found very few recipes that I can make and even still I usually have to omit certain ingredients.

I hope the article below helps bring about a little more understanding of what I'm trying to cope with daily.. thank you for taking the time to read.

Friend or Foe? Tough on spoilage, sulfites can be hard on humans, too. by Jan Patenaude, R.D. For more than 2000 years, sulfites have been used to prevent food spoilage and discoloration. Perhaps for nearly as long, they've played a more sinister role - causing allergic-type reactions in some of the people who consume them. Ellen Wiest is one such individual. She often suffered from headaches, severe nasal congestion, abdominal cramps and diarrhea after eating. But she didn't connect her symptoms to sulfites, until one June evening in 1995. That night, Wiest was enjoying dinner with her husband at a favorite restaurant. Halfway through the meal, she developed symptoms typical of a food sensitivity. Only this time, they were accompanied by an increased heart rate, profuse vomiting and difficulty breathing. The restaurant called 911, and paramedics rushed her to the local emergency room. Wiest learned that her meal contained a splash of wine, and sulfites in the wine sparked the anaphylactic reaction. Similar reactions to hidden sulfites have landed her in the ER twice since then. "When we eat out, I make it clear to the waiter that I will have a life-threatening reaction if I eat anything that contains sulfites," she notes. "Most of the time, I need to explain what sulfites are and what foods usually contain them." While the severity of Wiest's reaction may be uncommon, sulfite sensitivity is not. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration estimates that up to one in 100 people may be sensitive to the chemicals. Among asthmatics, the ratio shoots to one in 10 and even higher among those who depend on corticosteroids. Surrounded by Sulfites In addition to their role as preservatives, sulfites are used to bleach food starches, such as corn, potato and sugar beet. Sulfites are also put to work as preventives against rust and scale in boiler water used in making steam that may come into contact with food. Because sulfites inhibit fungal and bacterial growth, they are sprayed on both fresh grapes and those used in winemaking. Sulfites are a normal by-product of winemaking. Sulfites lurk in many popular foods and beverages, under the names of sulfur dioxide, sodium sulfite, sodium bisulfite, potassium bisulfite, sodium metabisulfite and potassium metabisulfite. Wine, bottled lemon and lime juices, and sulfur-dried fruits have the highest levels of sulfites. The Labeling Nightmare Avoiding sulfites can be difficult. "I've learned to carefully read labels," Wiest says. "But it's surprising how poorly many foods are labeled with regard to sulfites." Current labeling laws were enacted in 1985, after sulfites were linked to 15 deaths. The Food and Drug Administration now say manufacturers must identify the presence of sulfites on food labels, but only if concentrations exceed 10 parts per million. Test strips are available to test liquid foods. However, they detect sulfites only in levels greater than 10 parts per million - and many sulfite-sensitive individuals react to much lower levels. Seek Expert Advice Other foods, chemicals, additives, colors and substances can create the same symptoms caused by a sulfite sensitivity, which is why it is important to consult with a doctor who is familiar with the affliction. After reviewing a patient's records, the physician may perform oral provocative testing to confirm suspicions. Observations as simple as "wine gives me gas" make elimination of the offending item fairly easy. However, eliminating large groups of foods may compromise the nutritional adequacy of an individual's diet. If the diagnosis is confirmed, the patient should work with a dietician experienced in allergies and sulfite sensitivities to help plan a diet that is adequate, while avoiding foods that increase symptoms. Dietary changes are the best way to treat a sulfite sensitivity. However, there is some scientific evidence that vitamins can help treat or prevent the sensitivity, as well. Very high amounts of vitamin B-12 supplements - 1,500 to 5,000 micrograms or 1 to 5 millegrams per day - reduce the tendency of asthmatics to react to sulfites if taken before ingesting the sulfites. Vitamin B-12 is very safe, with no upper limits established. Due to the low level of risk involved, it may be worth trying prior to restaurant meals - but only with a doctor's approval. Asthma sufferers should always carry an inhaler when dining out. If a reaction to sulfites has occurred before, always carry an antihistamine and self-administering injectable epinephrine.
CHECK YOUR PANTRY People who are sensitive to sulfites should be cautious about consuming the following foods and beverages. Although many items listed will rarely contain sulfites (depending on the grower, supplier and food manufacturer), others may contain sulfites at various levels. Imported foods often contain more sulfites than locally grown and processed foods. Remember, labeling of sulfites is required only if the concentration is 10 parts per million or greater.
Bakery and Grain Products Breads containing dough conditioners Breading batters Cookies Cheese-filled crackers Cornmeal Cornstarch Crackers Frozen dough Gravy mixes Hominy Modified food starch Noodle and rice mixes Pie and pizza crusts Potato chips Tortillas Tortilla chips Waffles Beverages Beverages containing sugar or corn syrup Beer Cider Cordials Dried citrus fruit beverages Fruit juices (canned, bottled or frozen) Instant tea Wine Wine coolers	Fruits and Vegetables Coconut Coleslaw and sauerkraut Fruit (bottled, canned, dried, frozen or glazed) Grapes (fresh) Guacomole Lettuce Maraschino cherries Mushrooms (canned or dried) Peppers (bottle, pickled or canned) Potato chips Potatoes ("fresh cut," frozen, fries, deli potato salad or mashed) Tomatoes Vegetables (dehydrated, pickled or canned) Vegetable juices Fish and Shellfish Clams Crabs Dried fish Lobsters Oysters Scallops Shrimp Shellfish (fresh, frozen, canned or dried)	Prepared Foods Frosting (canned and mixes) Horseradish Olives Processed cheese Relishes Salad dressings Vinegar Protein Products Infant formula Imported sausages Soy products Textured vegetable protein Tofu	Sweets and Sugars Beet sugar or corn sweetener (in low concentrations) Gelatin, flavored and unflavored Hard candies Jams and Jellies Pectin Sugar (brown, white, powdered and raw) Miscellaneous Foods and Ingredients Caramel color Dried herbs & spices Grape juice concentrate High-fructose corn syrup/sweeteners Maltodextrin Polydextrose Trail mixes

We heart our library

I just feel the need now to confess my love for our library system.

Although we visit our branch library at least once every 2 weeks, we took the boys for the first time today to the main downtown library. They were in awe by it's massive awesomeness. As many times as I have visited in the past, I am still dumbfounded by the row after row of books, DVD's, and CD's just begging for me to take them home. They have an enormous childrens' room complete with a puppet theater, train table, dress-up clothes, computer games, and cozy reading nooks, so our kids were in heaven. After filling the one and only bag I brought with me (I should really know better by now), we headed up the stairs to the media room (which an entire floor is devoted to) and the kids grabbed videos left and right. Arms breaking, I picked up a few CD's and cookbooks on our way out and somehow checked out without dropping everything. The best thing about the entire trip is that we didn't spent a cent. The kids were happy to be out of the house and we have a week or two worth of free entertainment now.

My oldest has become more interested in reading lately and they had an entire isle of ready to read books, so I am excited to sit down and work with him on those. I love that he's starting to read books to me. His little brother sits and tries to read along too by memerizing the words. My oldest has also been spending time copying entire pages of his books onto paper and I'm hoping to get him some bare books soon so he can begin writing his own stories. It makes me so happy that he's found a love for reading and writing. :)

Even as an adult I still get so excited walking into a library and bringing home new books, I can only hope and pray that our children never lose their new found passion.

tornado tantrum vs. little daddy

Sigh.. it's finally the end of the week. Obviously if you have read my other posts you know that this week has been physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining on me.

Today was not much better. It started out with a rude wake up call of my oldest running into my bedroom yelling that his brother had dragged one of the dining chairs into the kitchen and was trying to get the vitamins out of the cupboard. (They are up on a really high shelf hidden behind other things and have a child-safety lid on them, but still.. he would somehow find a way to get into them.) The day slowly got a little better when my oldest decided he needed to start practicing to be a daddy. He told me yesterday that he wants to have a baby and wanted to know how old you had to be to have one. And then he decided that he needed to find a mama and get married first so it would be awhile.. (Not before he was 23 I decided.) So, in order to practice, he helped get his little brother's coat and shoes on and then buckled him up int the car before heading off to school. (Don't worry, I drove:) Afterward he said, "I don't know how you do this everyday. I'm tired already." Thank God someone finally understands! It was so nice to have an extra helping hand this afternoon. I think he's going to make an amazing papa panda one day. :)

After dropping my older one off, I took my little one to the store with me to get a few things and he spent the entire time hanging off of the cart and laying on the floor whining and throwing fits. It was exhausting. 3 is not my favorite age and I am looking forward to getting through this stage. As soon as we got home they started fighting (as usual) over a game of chutes and ladders and my youngest kept sneaking stuff out of the refrigerator and hiding under the dining table with his sneaky goods. He had some quiet (fit throwing) time in his room while I finished making dinner and tried to clean up the destruction in the living room. I know that it's not always going to be this constant and that my youngest will not be a tornado tantrum thrower forever, but right now it's hard and by the end of the week I am just drained.

I think I could deal with it all if I weren't so hungry and low on energy all the time. Yesterday for dinner I made couscous with garbanzo beans, carrots, squash, and zucchini. Seemed completely safe and free of sulfites as far as I know. Well, I had an allergic reaction. I was completely perplexed and thought maybe it was the bread I ate, so just now I ate more without the bread, and as I'm writing I am experiencing the same reaction. (I just took some allergy medicine so hopefully it starts helping soon. ) Argh! I mean, really.. what gives?? I seriously think I'm going to have to live off of nothing but fruit for the rest of my life. It's pretty frustrating.

Trying to focus on the positive now though, I did get a few pictures with the boys today which were funny and made us all laugh.. As difficult as my youngest can be, it's hard not to crack up at his goofiness. :) And the temperature was actually above 20 for once, so it was nice to finally get a little bit of sunshine! I am hoping the weather stays a little warm tomorrow so we can get outside for a bit. I would like to take the boys downtown to the Market and just wander around and look at fruit and vegetables. I think we could all use some fresh air and exercise.. and I'm going to try to catch up on some much needed vitamins and minerals.

Thanks for listening to my rant. I'm hoping to post more this weekend so you might hear from me again (and hopefully I will be in a better mood.) but if not, I hope you have a good weekend!

take a drive in the car with your scar

I know my blogs have been pretty heavy lately. And for some of you reading them, I may come across as the type of person who can talk very openly and honestly about my faith. In reality though, I am not like that at all. I tend to keep my personal spiritual experiences to myself. It is much easier for me to write about what I've been through than to openly talk about those things. I think partially because I fear that someone will respond in a way that diminishes what I have gone through. I am extremely sensitive when sharing personal stories and have close friends that still don't know what I've been through completely. I am to a place though where I feel the need to start opening up and sharing, but this feels safer and less intimidating to me that having to talk about it.

Thank you for taking the time to listen and forgive me for rambling. When you have so many things stored up inside for so long, and then slowly begin to open the door, they tend to flood out uncontrollably. Writing for me is something that I have done for as long as I can remember, but I stopped for quite some time. It is still new to me again, and I admit to not being the most eloquent writer and often use run-on sentences and forget to spell check, so I ask you to please be patient with me as I enter into this journey of healing.

In my life the physical and spiritual are so intertwined that it is difficult for me to write about one without the other. I am hoping to post some blogs soon that are a bit more light-hearted, but the winter gets to me with it's long cold days and my writing tends to take on the those elements. I don't want you to think that I'm a serious and somber person all of the time, because there is a lot more to me than that. But what I've been going through recently has been difficult and the playful side of me seems to have taken a backseat and is just riding along now, quietly staring out the window and listening..

It makes me think of that Alanis Morissette video where there are 3 or 4? of her in the car, all with different personalities. And I'm not saying that I have multiple personalities.. ha.. but that I have tried to separate the BC me and the AD me as a way of not having to deal with my past. I'm trying to get to a healthy place though where I can forgive myself for where I've been and allow myself to become whole again.

Speaking of, I do not listen to the radio often because Rachael Yamagata seems to stay in the car CD player for most of the winter, but the other day I caught a song by Katy Perry that sounded a bit reminiscent of Alanis during parts of it. It took me back to H.S. when a friend had just bought Alanis's first tape at Wal-mart (this was before the new Super one we have there now) and we drove around in her car listening to it. I remember thinking how cool Allanis was because she was so angry and not holding back what she thought. Then after that I was looking through my old issues of Organic Style (I was devastated when they stopped making that magazine and thankfully have kept all my copies to re-read.) Anyway, there was an article in the issue I was reading about how Alanis was chilling out a bit.

I've completely forgotten the entire point of this blog now, so I'm just going to make something up.

I think most of us carry around a bit of hurt inside, and it's important that we find healthy ways to let it out so we can heal. For me, it's listening to music and writing, for Allanis it's through singing or yelling. Sometimes I yell too. Crying seems to help as well. The point is that you can choose to cover up your painful wounds, or you can take the band-aid off and allow your wound to open up, breathe, and begin to heal. It's going to take time and it's going to hurt.. but eventually the painful sting will begin to dull and and what once was a deep cut will turn into a scar, a reminder of what you've been through. It's still visible, you are still aware of it, but it no longer controls your life and you are able to move on..

So, I suggest you rip off those band-aids, get out your old Organic Style magazines, listen to some Alanis, and take a drive in the car with your scar.

Hope for the hopeless

I've been thinking about the people who come in and out of our lives.

I recently got back in touch with an old friend of mine from Nashville who, although I have searched for her in the past, never thought I'd come into contact with again. I met her immediately after becoming a Christian, when I was still in a bit of a transitional phase. I was trying to adjust to my new surroundings and the new life I had been given. I was in awe by it all and a bit overwhelmed at times. My eyes were amazed at all the beauty I had somehow overlooked before and I prayed daily that God would put others in my path to help guide me. I was working at a coffee shop on the second floor of a bookstore and there was an atrium connected, where I would often have lunch and read the Bible. There was a Bible study group that would meet there occasionally and I would listen in for awhile, until one day I found the nerve to introduce myself. It was through the group that I met her. She found me a place to stay for awhile (I was couch crashing during this time), introduced me to "The Innocence mission" and to the Christian world of art and literature. She made me feel at home in a place where I knew very few people and went out her way to include me in her life. I don't think she has the slightest idea what an enormous impact she had on me.

Before meeting most the of the Christian friends that I came in contact with during my time spent there, I had many pre-conceived notions of what they were all like. I was struggling with my own identity as a new Christian, not wanting to associate myself with the hypocritical and judgmental group of people I had spent most of my life trying to avoid and was a little hesitant towards other people who shared my beliefs. But, I met so many creative, passionate, and honestly real individuals in Nashville that my biased views quickly changed. There were so many people that helped me through that new season in my life and I am so thankful that God answered my prayers by surrounding me with so many amazing individuals. Now that I have had time to look back and reflect on that time.. it makes me even more appreciative to have her back in my life again.

There are so may others though who have come in and out of my life over the years and I wonder about them at times. Especially the people who I was friends with while living in Columbus right out of H.S. I can only hope and pray that they are doing well..

I had a dream last night about this guy I dated many years ago when I was not at a healthy place in my life, and whom I haven't seen since. In my dream he was happy and healthy and we exchanged pictures of our children and told stories about what we have gone through since last seeing eachother. I can only hope and pray that if we were to ever meet again, that is what would occur. But there is a worry in my heart, that maybe he is still in the same place we were back then, or possibly an even worse place. God, I hope not.

There are so many others who have witnessed me through rough times and moments in my life which I still have difficulty talking about. A few I still keep in touch with, but there are others who I have lost contact with. I hope to one day meet up with them again, mostly just so I know that they are okay and so that I can ask for their forgiveness. I put a lot of people, including my own family (especially my mom) through a lot back then. I was a self-consumed, drug-addicted disaster, who took for granted all the love and help people constantly tried to give me.

I may not ever see any of those people again, but I can try my best to be a good witness to others who are where I once was. To listen without judgment, to hold someone who is breaking, to pray with someone who is hurting. I can't change the past, but I can reflect upon it as a reminder of where I was and who I have become since then. It also reminds me that there is hope for the hopeless and that God can bring anyone out of darkness if only they're willing to open their hearts and lives to Him. Sometimes we just have to allow ourselves to break down, to cry out for help. To come to a place of desperation and hopelessness that we have no other choice but to let go and allow God to breathe fresh new life into us again.

Broken image

Have you ever taken the time to really look at yourself in the mirror and to question what lies beneath the surface?

This is not going to be easy to talk about, but I feel I need to get it out.

I have had some rough times lately, but last night was an especially difficult one for me. For quite some time now I have been battling with allergies and have had to become extremely cautious about what I eat. I don't have many options and have a hard time finding enough food each day. I have dealt with weakness, fatigue, and hunger pains for months now. This past week I got a stomach bug and have only been able to consume liquids. Last night I took a bath and became dizzy and nauseated to the point where I was worried I might black out. So I got out, got sick, and then stared at myself in the mirror for awhile. What I saw startled me a bit. I looked empty, drained, and ghost-like. I know I need to find a way to get more nutrients in me, but it is such a struggle to find recipes I can actually make. Right now I am pretty much living on raw fruits, vegetables, nuts, and grains. Unlike most vegans, I can not have soy products. Out of hunger, I have tried to force myself to eat meat and have thrown up each time. My body is rejecting certain foods and I feel like I am going through some sort of cleaning or fast.. but not by choice. Last night I laid in bed sobbing and begging God to help me to understand why he is allowing me to go through this, what is the purpose behind it? This morning I woke up and knew.

For 10 years now I have had a vision of starting a church. In my mind I envisioned it being a warm, comfortable coffee shop like atmosphere with fairy lights strung about, beautiful icons on the walls, candles and incense burning, monk chanting music playing in the background. There were other people there around my age, families and couples all coming together to pray and eat and laugh together. To share our hopes and dreams over a broken piece of bread and glass of wine. To be a community that supports and encourages each other to be more Christ-like.

Although that is still a beautiful dream of mine, I don't think it was until now that I could even begin to understand what it means to be more Christ-like. Last night through sobs, I felt his brokenness, his pain, his torment. It was as real as if I were there standing beneath the cross, witnessing it myself. I felt loneliness and abandonment.. a starving, aching hunger to let go of myself and be filled with a love and an understanding that goes beyond the physical feeling of being fulfilled by food and human beings and material things. I realized how badly I need Him.

My vision is slowly beginning to change. I still see a community, but we are brought together now by our brokenness and suffering, our sinful natures, are screw-ups and imperfections. I see a church made up of people who aren't afraid to take a deep look into the mirror and cry out to God for a change to come. I feel a deep longing to help others who are suffering, hungry, scared, and alone. I desperately need people like that in my life. The homeless, the starving, the lost, the weary. And so I believe that God has allowed me to become broken, so that I can understand what it means to go without, what it means to sacrifice, and to ache inside to the point of helplessness. To feel a longing that cannot be filled by anything else but Him.

It was here in Columbus where I lost myself so many years ago, and here I am back where I started now. Only with new eyes, a new heart, and a hope and faith that exceeds all human understanding. It was 10 years ago that I fist cried out to God for help, to take my life and restore it back to health. He drained me, emptied me, and restored my soul. I have tried my hardest to walk this path alongside him, getting lost and distracted many, many times along the way. Being a Christian is a difficult path to take, especially when it is one that you did not choose yourself, for it choose me and although I don't know completely where I am headed, I trust that God will lead me along the way. He knows how much it aches inside, because he too was once human and experienced torture, pain, and ridicule Himself. Each morning when I struggle to find the strength to get out of bed, it is this knowing that reminds me that I am not alone. And as weak as my physical body has become, I am strengthened by the knowing that God does not want me to suffer, but must allow it in order that His plan for my life be fulfilled. And for that, I can do nothing else but to praise Him.

There's a Ginny Owen's song which lingers in me during these moments of weakness and difficult seasons of my life entitled, "If you want me to".

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

ya oh oh no

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I go through the valley If You want me to

The Inauguration

I know my blogs keep getting longer and longer with each one, so I'm going to keep it short this time and just say..

Praise God that this day has finally come! I pray that our new president will inspire hope and change to sweep across our Nation! I am so happy to be alive during this historical event. :)

Learning to share

Today the stomach bug I've been avoiding really hit me and I had trouble getting out of bed. My whole body ached and I fought against the sickness, forcing myself to get up and get out. There are certain food items I have to get at Wild Oats.. dates, nutritional yeast, and bread. (It baffles me that I can't find bread anywhere else that contains 5 ingredients of less.) I had not eaten much of anything and was feeling weak, but my legs were begging to be stretched so we bundled up and headed to the store, grabbed the few things we needed, and then took a short brisk stroll to our favorite toy store. I wanted to find the kids a new game since we play Monopoly Jr. every day and because the rest of our small game collection has been much used and is falling apart. The store is filled with educational and mostly wooden toys and has a good selection Playmobile. I quickly found several things that I wanted to add to my imaginary homeschooling collection and made a mental note in my head. The games, although they had a few unique ones to choose from, were more than we wanted to spend. I had a prescription to pick up at another store and while I waited, I searched the the clearance toy isle hoping to find a good deal, which I did! There was a game marked down to $9 from $25 called, Learning to Share.. Fun Park Game.

Now let me backtrack for a minute.. It was only recently that games were allowed to be played in our house again. Our oldest had his privileges taken away a while back because he started to ONLY care about winning. Now, I know that we all have a little bit of competitiveness in us, but the papa and I are not those type of parents.. okay, I'm going to try hard not to categorize or point fingers here, but we're just not the competitive types. We could care less about sports (with the exception of my strange tennis fascination) and we're completely laid back when it comes to well, most things. But, if he would even start to get behind for a minute he would quit, storm off, or actually physically destroy the game. It was never fun to play games with him. NEVER. So we put them away for quite a while and I started worrying that it was something we were doing wrong as parents. What had caused such aggressive tendencies? It really concerned me. But because I think that games are an excellent and fun way to learn we decided to try again. We have just recently begun slowly testing the waters and although he's still quite competitive, I think we got the point across, and playing games together now has become more enjoyable.

Anyway, now that you know the back story, I'm sure you can probably understand how happy I was to find a game that was not only marked down, but was also going to help teach my kids how to share! :)

So, as I was in the kitchen making a vegan pizza and emptying the dishwasher this evening, papa panda was in the living room with the boys trying out the new game and suddenly I hear, "Yay! Good job! You are really good at this game!" Wow, I have never heard such encouraging words come out of my older one's mouth in praise of his little brother. It gave me hope that maybe we're not doing such a bad job after all.

I was watching something on TLC the other day and saw a commercial for a new show that was going to be on about toddler beauty pageantry. I watch from the sidelines as so many parents push their small children to become smarter, faster, prettier, etc. Now, I find nothing wrong with encouraging your children to strive at doing well in life. But I think that sometimes we have to be careful not to push them too hard, or even worse, try to force them to live out our own failed dreams. I was just talking to the panda last night about how different kindergarten seems now from when we were in school. I mostly remember naps and snacks and finger painting and story reading. My oldest comes home from school and I asked if he did anything new or interesting and he sighs and replies, "No, we just worked." I know there is a reason that his school district is highly rated. It's because they push kids to excel and in turn, the kids do well. But, it worries me that my 6 year old is already feeling burnt out at school and isn't having fun learning. I am afraid that he will spend his entire school career just going through the motions and memorizing facts. I worry that he is already beginning to lose that spark. I feel that it is our job as parents to constantly nurture it and so we play fun games, sing songs, create, read, and laugh together.

Just last night I had the same dream that I have had many times during the course of my life. I'm at school, which seems like a maze of staircases, and I can't remember where my classroom is. Everyone else are inside the rooms in their seats listening and learning and I'm just wandering around lost in the hallways. I wake up in a panic and can't shake the feeling for the rest of the day. I had a lot of anxiety in school and that's pretty much all I remember about it. Oh, and the horrible peer pressure and backstabbing.. but that's a post for another day. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that most of my learning has come from other sources. People I've met, conversations I've had, books I have read, places I have visited, etc. No, I did not go on to college after H.S. and yes, I feel that I have wasted a lot of time in my life doing nothing.. but I feel that I have lived fully and completely and that I have learned more from being out in the world than I would have had I been stuck in a classroom. All of those experiences have guided me and sculpted me into the person I am today. I am not saying that I want my children to follow the same path that I did, in fact I pray that they don't. But, I hope that if they do one day make the decision to go to school that it is because they are passionate to learn about something that truly moves them and not because they feel like it's what they are expected to do.

More than anything though I pray that they will follow the path that God wants for them and that they do it with an open mind and heart.. fully trusting and believing that he has amazing adventures and learning experiences waiting ahead for them. I hope that as parents we will teach them to make good decisions with the choices they are given, and that they will enter out into the world on their own with open arms, full of wonder and awe by all that this amazing world has to offer them. I am excited to see where life takes them..

six degrees

Six degrees of separation (also referred to as the "Human Web") refers to the idea that, if a person is one step away from each person they know and two steps away from each person who is known by one of the people they know, then everyone is no more than six "steps" away from each person on Earth. The easier way to understand this is that person A only need an average of six people in between to connect to person B. (Suppose person A and B don't know each other.)

All I know is that it is too cold outside. Today the temperature read 5 degrees. The papa brought home a stomach bug yesterday that I have been trying to avoid. This afternoon it got me too and now I feel as though someone is kicking me in the stomach. Regardless of our sickness, our refrigerator and pantry were empty of food and the boys were beginning to lose their minds and climb the walls in boredom. So the panda took them to play in the Eagle's Nest and to Target while he grocery shopped and I headed to the library for a pile of books and DVD's to keep the kiddos busy through the long, cold weekend. Thankfully we have food now, although we are both too sick to eat any of it. (I had Amazon flakes for dinner.)

I was hoping to find a good movie to watch, but it seemed like everyone else had the same idea, so there wasn't much left to choose from. I ended up getting a film entitled, "How to cook your life" with Zen Chef Edward Espe brown. Not exactly what I had in mind, but hopefully it will help me to find Nirvana in the kitchen again, which I could really use. I am struggling to find joy in the kitchen lately. I don't know if it's the weather or that time of the month, or what.. but I am craving food that is not healthy and I want someone to make it for me. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I don't have the option to give in to those types of food unless I want to end up back in the hospital again, so instead I eat a bowl of cereal and feel disappointed and sorry for myself.

I have all of these beautifully illustrated cookbooks from the library on how to make delectable raw foods, but they require so many ingredients that are either difficult to find during the cold months in Ohio or involve way more time than I have in the course of my day. I have dreams of throwing on a cami, a flowy skirt, and some cute kitten heels.. jumping on my bike (with a basket, of course) and cruising down to the local market on a warm sunny day. The produce is readily available and bursting with color and fragrance. I become inspired by the sights and smells surrounding me and am bursting with energy from the rays of sunshine and fresh air.

But instead, my shopping trips now consist of bundling up and braving the fierce sharp winds to find a measly amount of not so great looking (or fake, polished looking) produce at the local market. By the time I get home I am grumpy, cold, and too tired to cook. I feel drained of energy, eat a Lara bar, and try to remind myself of how blessed I am to have the shopping options that I do. Within 10 minutes I can easily reach several grocery stores and am 20 min to a Whole Foods store. And although we do have to be incredibly thrifty with our food budget, I can at least afford to buy fresh produce. Many people do not have these privileges and options.

Sometimes I am so envious of people who live in places that are warm year round and have access to farmers markets and raw food restaurants all the time, and although I still daydream of moving to someplace like that myself one day, I am grateful for the things we do have.. a panda with 2 good jobs that enables us to buy food, 2 cars, and easy access to grocery markets with a somewhat decent amount of options. In between my grumbles, I feel so blessed to have food to feed my babes' bellies and although we have always had to get creative and make food last, we have never had to go without. I am eternally thankful for all that we have been given.

Each time I eat an apple or a piece of bread I try to remember every now and then to say a prayer for someone who is hungry. I feel that food is the one source that connects each of us together and for one to go without should have an affect on us all. I encourage each of you to read the book I just finished entitled, "Closing the Food Gap" by Mark Winne. More of my thoughts on this eye-opening book to come.. :)

Time to tuck my little birdies into bed now.. hope you all have a warm, snuggly night!

Revival

These song lyrics have really been speaking to my heart this week..

Revival-Soul Savers

Said gonna be a revival tonight ooh
I wanna see a revival yeah
Gonna be a revival tonight
Lord, let there be a revival yeah

Forgive what I have done
It means my soul's survival, oohh
I need you so,it's sin
Put an end to my suffering oh

Why am I so blind with my eyes wide open? ooh
Trying to get my hands clean in dirty water

I wanna see a revival tonight
Lord, let there be a revival yeah
I need to see a revival tonight oh
Wanna see a revival oohh

Why am I so blind with my eyes wide open? yeah
Now I need someone
Let this dark night be done oh

I need you so,it's sin
Put an end to my suffering
I wanna see a revival tonight
Lord, there needs to be a revival

I have been up late the past few nights praying and crying out for a change. It has been 10 years since God took me out of the dark place I was in and offered me forgiveness and new life. Although I have not once doubted His presence in my life since then and spend personal time with Him daily, it is still easy to lose your way again, to become self-absorbed and caught up in the daily struggles of life. To try to carry too many burdens on your own, to focus on what you don't have instead of the blessing you've been given.. to think you can take on everything alone.

I am a stubborn person, it takes a lot for me to ask for help, although I am slowly learning how. I am also a dreamer and an avid researcher, always filled with ideas, inspiration, and intense passion, but I am always trying to plan and direct my own route. I want to do what God wants me to do, as long as it lines up with my plans and ideas. But what I am learning time and time again is that his plans are not always the same as ours and sometimes when we get pushed up against a wall and we find ourselves in between a rock and a hard place, we have no other choice but to cry out to God to help get us out of the situation we've gotten ourselves into. I find myself in this place quite often.

Something is different this time though, I have an unexplainable urgency in my soul to pray that God breaks down the barriers, not just in my own life.. but in the lives of others. The hungry, the lost, the cold and frightened people out there who are desperately searching to find some kind of meaning in life, but are looking in all the wrong places. I am guilty of this myself. Sometimes I try so hard to uncover the meaning behind something and to find the answers on my own, that I fail to miss what was right in front of me all the time. Just as in the song lyrics, he writes, "why am I so blind with my eyes wide open?" We need to seek within our hearts guidance, that our eyes and hearts be opened to the life that God wants us to live. He wants to fulfill our every passion and wildest dreams. If only we will put our lives in His hands, He will bring us out of the darkness and help us to find our way back home once again. I was just reading a scripture the other day that spoke of true faith, which means not only having a belief in something, but truly letting go of your life and offering it up to God in every way. Just as Jesus told his prophets to leave behind everything and follow Him. I am so ready to go..

I have been going through a cleanse now for months, God says that we cannot live on bread alone and this is something that I have become very familiar with. There have been nights where I have awoken with hunger pains that food could not fill. A yearning so deep that I can almost taste it. I feel such an enormous stirring, I believe that we are all ready for a change. We have grown weary of being stuck in our everyday monotonous rut, just going through the motions.. but for what? I don't know about you, but I have to believe that we are called to do things above and beyond our daily jobs and household tasks. That God wants to use each of us to bring about change in this world.

I am excited to see where He leads me.. I hope you will come too. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wp1rL7DI_D4

comfort food

The more raw food I eat, the less I want cooked food. It just sits in my tummy feeling all heavy, bloated, and tired. It seems dead to me. The other day I was staring at the steamed vegetables in my bowl. I thought about how dull and lifeless they looked and I suddenly lost my interest to eat.

There are days such as this one though, when coming in from the cold, that I crave something warm and comforting. I wonder if there is such a thing as a raw comfort food? So far I haven't found it, so instead I decided to whip up a classic vegan casserole and share the recipe with you. (now that I've caused you to become depressed and lose your appetite)

The original recipe comes from "The vegan family cookbook" but I have modified it a bit to suit my sulfite-free diet. (deleted soy, onions, and potato chips & added almond milk, nutritional yeast and almonds) Feel free to add or delete whatever you like though. :) Oh, and unless you're feeding a family of four like me, you might want to reduce the recipe in half because it makes a lot!

Vegan Vegetable Noodle Casserole

8 oz. curly noodles (the egg-less kind)
3 ribs celery, diced
2 carrots, diced
1/4 cup light olive oil
1/3 cup flour
2 cups unsweetened almond or rice milk (I prefer almond, because it is thicker and creamier, but use whatever you have)
2 cups vegetable broth
1/2 cup nutritional yeast flakes (I buy it in bulk at Whole Foods, adds a "cheesy" flavor)
salt to taste
1/2 cup slivered almonds

1) boil water and cook noodles according to directions, drain
2) place pasta in 9 x 13 baking dish
3) in saucepan, saute celery and carrots until tender
4) on reduced heat, add flour and saute for 2 min
5) add milk of choice, broth, and nutritional yeast flakes.
increase to med/high heat and saute until thickened, stirring frequently.
6) add salt to taste
7) combine sauce & pasta in baking dish
8) sprinkle a little more nutritional yeast and almond slivers on top

* you can also add vegan shredded cheese (which sadly contains soy, so I cannot partake in that yummy indulgence) and bake at 400' for 10 min

Serve alongside a beautiful green vegetable, some crusty homemade bread, and Enjoy! :)

Nesting and testing

I'm in somewhat of a snow daze today.. partly because of the sinus medicine I took, but mostly because I've been staring out the window at the thick blanket of snow forming on the ground for most the afternoon. That is.. in between doing dishes, making meals and snacks, and cleaning up the Star Wars figures basket that my little one keeps dumping out all over the living room and then not playing with. He has really been testing my patience this week. I remember being warned about the terrible two's, but for me the battle has been with the strong-willed, defiant 3's. That's when it hit my oldest and now my younger one is going through this phase.

He is sneaky. Yesterday I found an ENTIRE box of fruit snacks and graham crackers eaten and stashed under the couch.. (those snacks will from now on be hidden way up on the top pantry shelf.) He lies to my face, when I've witness the truth with my own eyes. And he growls at me. We have been struggling with potty training for a year and a half now. I had him completely trained and then he decided he was over using the potty and was not going to do it anymore. As if to say, "That was fun for a minute, now lets move on to something else!' He knows how to go and chooses not to. I let him get away with this for quite awhile now, but have recently decided to try again after he started taking his diapers off and throwing them on the floor, because they're "icky." So, he did this again this afternoon and I told him that if he didn't like wearing diapers than he should try wearing underwear again. He then proceeded to scrunch up his face, growl, and then swing a fist at me.. which I barely dodged. Earlier I was not so lucky and got hit hard in the side of the head with a light saber. Needless to say, he is having some quiet time alone in his room right now and I am hoping will maybe take a nap and wake up in a better mood.

It's so difficult and confusing how my little babe can one minute be so sweet and loving and the next behave like a monster. My oldest son, thankfully.. although he still has his moments.. has grown out of this "testing mommy" phase and is much more helpful and sometimes even considerate these days. He often helps his little brother clean up messes that he did not make, remembers to bring his dirty dishes to the kitchen when he's finished eating, and most days makes his bed. Or at least when I have to remind him, doesn't complain. It gives me hope that my younger one will eventually grow out of this phase too and eventually I will have more help around the house.

Right now it's exhausting though. He dumps toys out, leaves them there, and then moves onto another basket to dump out. He will eat an apple or banana and then throw the core or peel on the floor, even though he knows where it goes. He manages to spill and break everything he touches, he doesn't think before he jumps. He is a wild animal. But he has a huge heart and I love him to pieces. Sometimes when we're snuggled up on the couch together and I glance over at him, he still seems like such a baby. I know that testing me and pushing my limits is just a natural part of growing up and his way of trying to pull away from me a bit. It is challenging as a parent to try to comfort and protect your children, to set limits and rules, while still allowing them the space to find their independence and the freedom to voice their own opinions. As a mama bird, it is my job to teach them to be loving, kind, considerate, helpful, and compassionate.. so that one day when they go off into the word on their own, hopefully they will make good decisions and treat others as they would want to be treated themselves. Until then though, I want to keep them safe in the nest with me as long as possible..

Just now, my oldest one came in to ask if he could make a pb sandwich. I asked if he needed help and he replied that he couldn't reach a plate. I love that he is independent enough to make a sandwich on his own, but still needs me for just a bit longer to reach the plates for him. :)

Oh, and I just went into check on my little one, who is not sleeping.. but instead has somehow very quietly taken all the books off the shelf in his room and gotten into his older brother's desk. I finally just got the living room cleaned up and will probably be picking it up again very shortly. In the meantime, I'm off to do laundry now..

I hope you're all staying warm and snuggly in your nests today and if you are out in the cold, I pray you make it back to your nest safely.

Unschooling

Since before the babies were even in my tummy I knew I wanted to homeschool. I checked out every single book from every single library researching every single method of teaching. After all that learning, I decided that I did not particularly care for one method entirely, but liked aspects of many.. especially the montessori and waldorf methods. Then I came across the idea of unschooling. (Although at the time, I didn't realize it had a name and that people were actually presenting their children with this learning option.)

Children naturally love to ask questions and learn. I think this desire can be lost when forced to learn either, 1) things they are not interested in, or 2) at a different pace than where they are at. In my opinion, allowing children to learn things in their own natural rythm and in ways that are interesting and exciting to them, is much healthier. I was thrilled to finally one day discover a book that taught exactly what I believed and even more excited to learn that people were actually doing it!

The problem was.. I didn't know of any one personally.

So, when it came time for my oldest to go to school, I panicked and sent him. Every doubt, anxiety, and fear that I had crept in and took over my ability to make the decision to keep him home. I was worried that if I did, maybe he would never learn basic skills such as writing and reading or math. And that he would become a social outcast, later blaming me for all his life's failures. I know this sounds extreme and almost laughable, but those were seriously my thoughts! I was able to get him into my mom's kindergarten class, which helped ease my mind a lot, because I was able to spend time in the classroom after school and it was comforting to know how and what he was learning and who was teaching him. But I knew he would not be there forever. Then a month ago we moved back to the city to be closer to panda's job and he had to change schools halfway through the year. His new teacher is wonderful and the school system is a highly rated and excellent district.. but each day that I drop him off, I still worry that I made the wrong decision. I know that it's not too late to change my mind.. but now that he is halfway through the year, we really need to decide if we want to send him back again next fall. I have spent a lot of time discussing it with him and he loves the idea of home school.. his face lights up whenever I mention it. But because he has an extremely social personalitiy and loves to be around other kids, I know that I would have to make extra effort to get him involved in extracurricular activities and go out of my way to meet other people who homeschool or unschool in the area to set up playdates and fun outings. I love the idea of this, because I get to learn right along with him and in ways that are fun for all of us! Plus, it wouldn't hurt for me and the little one to get out of the house and socialize a bit ourselves..

The other reason that stopped me was the idea in the back of my head (that has more recently grown stronger) of wanting to one day go to school myself. After being forced into dramatically changing my diet because of allergies, I have discovered a love for food and have been looking more seriously into natural cooking schools that specialize in vegan and raw food cuisine. There are only 4 schools that I have found in the U.S. who focus on this type of diet. (California, NYC, and Atlanda, GA) The one I am most interested in is in Austin, TX. The culinary institute opened a montessori school on it's campus.. and if we could afford this option, to me it would be the ideal situation. Our children would be taught in a unique and creative learning environment with a method that I feel passionately confident in, and would be located within the small campus where I would be taking classes. That would obviously be a huge and expensive move for us though, and unfortunately one that is of right now.. not realistic or possible.

Still, making the long term comittment to unschool would mean giving up my own chance to go to school, no matter how unrealistic it is right now. I know that I could still take independent classes in the area .. (if they exist?) and I have learned so much already on my own just through books and experimentation. There are so many ways to grow and learn, and I obviously don't feel that you have to go to school in order to be able to live out your dreams or start a business.. or in my case, a "church". But, I think that it would be a fun learning experience to be in an environment with people who share my passion for healthy living food and learn from others in hands on classes and demonstrations. Sigh..

When there are so many learning option to choose from, how do you know which direction to go?
Sometimes I guess you don't, and you just have to trust and pray that God will lead you down the right path. It makes me think of when we were in the Conservatory this past weekend and there were so many different trails leading to different places. Some over bridges, some through caves with waterfalls, and some actually lead you right back to where you started. To me the one's that made me stop and think the most, were the ones that lead to a door. Do you enter and see where it leads, or continue to explore the familiar room you are already in?

Until reaching a decision, I will continue to pray, to seek, to ask God to open doors if he wants to lead me beyond where I am, and to put my trust and faith fully in Him to help guide me..

The "dessert" room

Ha.. my hubby pointed out while reading my last blog that I accidentally wrote "dessert" instead of "desert".

I feel that before you all going running off to Candy Land, I should clear up this misconception. The room is indeed, not full of sweets, it does however contain many different species of cacti.. including my favorite sweetener, agave nectar. Having recently given up sugar because of a sulfite allergy (more on that later), I have turned to natural sweeteners such as dates, apples, oranges, bananas, and agave nectar. The sweet syrup comes from the agave cactus, the same place where we also get tequila from. ;) I love to use it in oatmeal and in sweetening desserts in place of sugar. It is good for diabetics because it is absorbed into the blood stream slower and doesn't create that quick up and down spike that you get from sugar. You can purchase the sweetener at Whole Foods or most natural food stores and some grocery stores sell it in the baking section.

Sorry to rain on your cupcake fantasy, but I hope you will still take the time to explore all the amazing and interesting varieties of cacti and try this tasty natural sweetener.

No Reservations

I always have trouble becoming motivated on Mondays. After taking my oldest to school this afternoon, the little one and I snuggled up under the furry warm throw blankets on the sofa, watched Anthony Bourdain wander around Pakistan and read library books together, including "Babar's USA".

In my dream world, we would "travel school" our children, jump on the bus with Woody Harrelson, and learn everything we need to know about the world simply by exploring it ourselves. Unfortunately that would require a lot of money and a Woody Harrelson connection. So, instead I have to find slightly more realistic ways to open my children up to different cultures and ways of life. I do this by watching the Travel Channel with them, reading books about different places, and occasionally going on family outings.

This past weekend we visited the Franklin Park Conservatory. Each room has a different theme, our favorite being the (warm) dessert room and jungle and least favorite being the (cold) Himalayan mountains. I'm not sure what they took from this mini-adventure, but it at least got us out of our element and into someplace different. The boys are happy at any chance they get to explore and it was good to excercise our legs a bit after being stuck in the house for weeks.

Even if we don't have a chance to take many (or any) vacations to far-off lands, it is important to me that our children have a broader understanding of their world and that there is life beyond the suburbs. It is in part why I love the library and am so thankful that we have such and excellent system here. There are so many books to explore that can take you to places you would otherwise not have a chance to visit.. even if just for a moment. And it costs absoulutely nothing to dream. :)

Poppy panda

This year I am trying ("trying" being the key word here) to focus on the best in others. To notice the good and overlook the bad. Last night I got annoyed with the poppy because I had asked him more than once to return a lamp we had bought that was missing it's shade. I finally decided to take the matter into my own hands and annoyingly stood in the customer service line for at lease 30 minutes. I made it clear last night that I was irritated about the situation. Sometimes I feel he purposely puts off doing things for as long as possible because he knows I will grow impatient and end up doing them myself.

Since I already opened up about my winter depression. We mine as well move on now to my next problem.. insomnia. I have suffered from severe sleep problems since I became pregnant with my oldest son. During the past six years I have tried every natural sleep remedy you can think of, and am unfortunately dependent on taking Unisom to get a full (or at least a partial) nights rest. Sometimes even that doesn't help though. Last night was one of those nights. Now I know it's not the poppy's fault that I can't sleep, but as I lay there and watch him slumber as I am wide awake it upsets me and I begin to feel alone. So I wake him just to let him know I'm not sleeping. He's used to it and is as patient as he can possibly be at 3 in the morning with me, asking "What can I do for you mama to help?" I grumble and throw a mini-tantrum, "Sigh.. nothing." But just knowing that he cares helps. And the fact that I'm not the only one awake now helps too. :) On top of that, he went into work a little late this morning just so I could get a few hours of sleep. I woke up feeling grateful to have him and sorry that I made such a big deal out of the lamp the night before. Still slightly sleep-deprived I wandered downstairs to later discover that he had also emptied the dishwasher. (Another issue I had just recently with him.) He may not always listen to everything I say, or at the least.. selectively hear what he wants to, but occasionally he does pay attention and the little things he does to help me out mean a whole lot.

Thank you :)

Candlesticks and branches

Welcome to my blog! I wanted to find a way to bring family and friends closer to me, into a community of my own. To share my thoughts, feelings, ideas, and images in a collective way. Everyone is welcome, so please make yourselves at home. I hope you enjoy your time spent with me here. :) Much love and many blessings, Erin

The snow is falling outside my window, my bedroom is aglow with warm lamplight. I got caught up this evening in the mystery of a passage in the Bible. Zechariah 4 - The candlestick and the olive trees, which then lead me back and forth between the visions and prophesies of Zechariah and the Book of Revelation. I love to become lost in the dreams and images of the Scriptures. Part of what draws me in is the mystery and intrigue of each passage. I can read the same book over and over and learn something new each time depending on where I'm at in my life during that moment.

Every winter I suffer from severe depression. I feel the cold starting to creep into my being and attempt to warm it up by stringing fairy lights all over the house, burning candles, and taking long baths. The days and nights become longer, time seems to slow, and my body aches for sunlight. I have difficulty pulling myself out from underneath my alternative down comforter each morning, lost in dreams of sand and salty warm breezes. Sometimes I go through similar spiritual seasons. I have moments of feeling far away from the warm protection of my Creator. My soul becomes distant and cold, I find myself shutting off and shutting down. I don't feel much like talking or praying, just wanting to be left alone. I love that God sometimes allows us to have the space we need for a time and lets us sit in quiet contemplation, lost in our own world of fantasy and self discovery. Each time though He brings me back even closer to Him. He reminds me that it's okay to feel this way and that He's here for me when I feel like coming out from beneath the covers.

I love the passage comparison between the burning oil of the lamps and the Holy Spirit. I worry sometimes that I might lose that spark, that one day the flame might go out or that I will allow it to be blown out by someone else. I think that is why it is so important to continue to nurture our souls. To find ways to shed light into the darkness so that we don't become cold and empty. For me that means surrounding myself with music that fills me up and moves me emotionally, to read stories and play board games with my children, to laugh with friends, to watch a movie that causes me look at life a little differently, to knead dough and watch it slowly rise, to practice yoga and take time to simply listen to my breath, and to delve into the beautiful mysteries of the Scriptures. I hope you each take time this winter to slow down and enjoy the silence and the stillness, and that you spend a little time each day doing something that fills your soul up with warmth.

Sweet dreams..