Sunshine & shadows

It is raining this morning, but the weather this past week was absolutely beautiful! The sun felt so good after a long and cold winter. :) Just wanted to share some photos I took while we were outside enjoying it....
















hope you all had a good weekend!

XOXO, Erin

Chocolate Angel

Alright people, hopefully this post will be slightly more uplifting, lol.

So, I had plans this past weekend to visit Jamie, who is my oldest & closest friend from High School. But, I awoke Saturday morning with massive cramps and was unsure whether or not I was going to make it out of bed. I desperately needed to get away though and do not like to cancel plans on people last minute, so I took some Advil, a hot bath, and pushed through the pain and my moody mood. The drive ended up being really therapeutic. Nolan sent me some new music in the mail the week before, including Massive Attack and a couple of beautiful mixed CDs... it rained the entire way there and I just allowed myself to relax and sink into the music as I drove. It was so nice.... and almost felt like he was in the car with me. :)

I'm really happy that I ended up going. It was so good to get out for the evening with some other women. We picked up a few of Jamie's friends and the rest met up with us at "The Chocolate Bar". Thankfully I was able to find something safe on the menu to eat. Although, it was comforting knowing that her sister Michelle (who is a nurse) was there in case I needed someone to stab me with my Epi pen. :)We ordered gaggingly sweet martinis (I ended up giving the rest of mine to Jamie after a few sips) and I skipped dessert because it's difficult to find sweet treats without eggs and I am really careful not to consume much sugar, other than fruit & agave nectar. But, it was a really nice restaurant and so good to have grown-up conversation!

We walked to another bar afterward and I ordered a vodka and cranberry, which is more my style... and on our way there we passed this really cool Organic restaurant that I am definitely going to have to go to the next time I'm in town. :) The weather was freezing cold and rainy, but it was kinda fun splashing through puddles and huddling under an umbrella with my bestest friend. :)

I had horrible insomnia that night, as I usually do when I stay away from home... but I talked to my honey on the phone for awhile and got to sleep in the next morning, which is always a nice treat. On Sunday I made lunch and then got coffee and we wandered around the mall for a bit before it was time for me to head back home. It was so good spending time with her and nice to get away, but the weekend went entirely much too fast!

This morning was the last day of my womens Bible study. I am really going to miss going. As difficult as it is for me to get myself out of the house and push through my comfort zone, I am realizing more and more how important it is to surround myself with other women. It really helps me to feel not so alone, knowing that I have a support system. I'm also finally understanding how good and healthy it is to occasionally go out for the evening. It felt so good to talk, laugh, and enjoy myself for once! :)

Hope that you all had a good weekend as well!

Love and hugs,
Erin















And for your listening and viewing pleasure....

My hope is built on nothing less...

My dear bloggy friends,

I know that I've been writing about some pretty heavy duty stuff recently, but these are issues I feel need dealt with. Writing has always been a form of therapy for me. I wrote in journals for years before blogging, and have thrown away most of what I have written in the past because I felt I no longer needed to hold onto those things anymore. I have continued the process of opening up and exposing myself to the light through blogging, so that I may continue to heal from my past. To me, an important part of the process is simply just being honest with ourselves and others. To write about our inner struggles and demons exposes them, so that they no longer live inside of us... but outside, and therefore can no longer control us. They may still try to attack at times and it may continue to be an ongoing battle for some time, but eventually we begin to heal... to forgive... to trust... to let go... and to know that there is still hope for the hopeless. Thank you for continuing this journey with me.



I'm pretty sure it's just hormone-related... or maybe it's partially the rainy weather which causes my muscles and bones to ache and makes my head and face feel like they are going to explode... or maybe it's because my youngest has not been sleeping well this week, which means I have not been sleeping well this week.... or it could be that I am going through an enormous amount of change and am feeling incredibly overwhelmed.

Whatever it is, I feel cranky and mis-understood. I thought maybe I just needed to get away for a day or two... so I planned a trip this weekend to my best friend's house. She made reservations for us and several of her other girlfriends to go to a chocolate bar. I am worried that I will not be able to find something on the menu that is safe for me to eat. I am looking forward to girl time and I rarely ever go anywhere with other adults, especially not out to eat... but at the same time I am feeling really un-social and would almost rather just go sit alone in a cave by myself instead.



While I'm being honest now... I feel I should also add that lately I have been feeling like giving up blogging. I have been struggling with expressing myself, not only through writing, but through my personal conversations as well. I have been feeling very protective over myself and my life. It is in such a fragile state right now and I am being so overly careful not to make any of the same past mistakes. One thing I have recently recognized in myself though is that I tend to often shut down when I feel overwhelmed. As difficult as it is for me, I am trying really hard to push through that instinct. I am incredibly stubborn and strong-willed and have a hard time asking people for help... I tend to think I can take on the world by myself. At times I even become obsessive and controlling. What I am beginning to realize though is that it's mostly coming from a place of fear and insecurity.

So, I've decided today... instead of closing myself off, shutting down, or even running away... to write about it instead. I feel like now that it's out in the open, exposed to the light... it is released and does not have control over me. I'm also going to resist my desire to be alone and go out this weekend... push myself out of my protective comfort zone and do something different for once. As much as I do not feel like being around people and would rather stay in my jammies under the covers with a box of Kashi cookies and have a whiny cranky pity party for myself... I know that it is not healthy for me. I'm not saying that it's not okay to EVER do that. Everyone needs time to themselves occasionally and sometimes it just feels really good to snuggle up with comfort food and cry. But, my problem is that I get stuck in that mode and can't get back out again.



I have struggled with depression since I was in High School. At one point as I was put in the hospital for it after being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was on Lithium and had to go through many different forms of therapy. Eventually I got off of medication and have found other ways to deal with it that don't make me feel like a numb robot. I am able to cope with it so much better now and my relationship with God, along with the help and support of family and friends, has made such a difference. Back when I was in the hospital, I refused to admit that I had a problem. I would shut off and pretend that I was okay and would never talk about it to anyone, even though it was very obvious as a result of my behavior.

I have learned through God's forgiveness and grace though that I don't have to be afraid to talk about it anymore... I don't have to be ashamed or feel bad about admitting that I still occasionally struggle and need help and support. Depression does not have to control me... I do not have to run or hide from it. And I'm also not going to pretend that it doesn't exist. It is something that I cope with almost daily, some days are worse than others... this time of the month is the worst of all just because I am hormonal on top of everything else.

Opening up, writing, talking, finding others who can listen, relate, pray for you... those are the things that have helped me through. Although spending quiet time alone occasionally in silence, meditation, prayer, or Scripture reading is very important and much needed... it's also so vital to seek out community and support. I am also finding that laughter is SO good for the soul. Recently the boys and I have been playing mad libs and they are just so hysterical. The other night we also took serious and then silly photos and danced around the room to music. I felt so much better afterward.



Another thing that I struggle with, especially during the long winter months, is getting enough fresh air, sunshine, and exercise. Long walks with my camera in hand during the warmer months always re-energizes my soul, and in the colder months I try to do yoga twice daily and even occasionally just walk around the mall or the grocery store to get some excess energy out and be around other people in public. I also try to limit my caffeine intake to 1-2 cups of espresso a day, because it spikes my energy level and when it drops I feel groggy. I try to juice every day, eat lots of raw fruits and veggies, and take vitamins and supplements.

I also have difficulty getting enough sleep, which I know has an enormous impact on my health and mood. I have had chronic insomnia since I was pregnant with my oldest, for 7 years now. It's mostly a result of not being able to shut my mind off at the end of the day. It usually helps a little to take a long bath, do yoga, meditate, read Scripture, and pray. I have tried all kinds of different natural herbs and sleep remedies. Most help me to relax, but not fall asleep. I usually have to take Unisom as well. Obviously, lack of sleep can cause irritability and moodiness, not to mention many other health issues. So, I try to get as much rest as possible by taking time to let before bed to take time to slow down and let go of all worry and anxiety. Easier said than done though. :)



Something that has really helped me recently is going to a woman's group at church every Monday morning. We have been doing a Bible study through a workbook/ video series called, "Me, Myself, and Lies" lead by Jennifer Rothchild. It has been incredibly challenging for me, as I've been forced to take a peek inside my thought closet and look at why I have convinced myself of certain lies about myself. The last Chapter in the workbook deals with Hope, which is something I have needed an extra dose of lately. It has taken us into the Book of Psalms, which I tend to relate to more than any other.

Psalm 42:5 "Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again Praise Him for the help of His presence."

When I become overwhelmed and filled with worry, despair, and depression...

Psalm 61:2-4 "From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I: For thou has become a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy."



It is in these words and through the hope that I have in Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, that gives me the strength I need to get out of bed and make it through each day.

I am curious as to what helps you through your dark, moody, and depressed days?

Hope you all have a good weekend. :)

Much love and many blessings,
Erin

The OTC

My sweet friends,

Our little tribe is in transition right now. Nolan and I have been praying for God's guidance and direction. Originally we had planned to stay in the burbs... mostly because of safety and good schools. Those things are still very important to us. But my heart is strongly feeling tugged at and pulled back to the city again. I have been fighting it for years now. I think I even wrote about it in a past blog... but ended up staying in the safety of the suburbs. Don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with suburban life. Who doesn't want their family to feel safe? But there is a big difference between the natural instinct of protecting your children and sheltering them from the world. I have not only been overly protective of them, but also over myself as well.



It has been bothering me lately. I don't like that they think that if we run out of food, all we have to do is go to the store and buy more, so they can eat as much as they want. I don't like how demanding and selfish and unappreciative they have become. I don't like having to remind them before every meal to say a little prayer of thanks to God. I don't like that they think they can have whatever they want whenever they want without understanding the blessings behind it all.



Things need to start changing very soon. I don't ever want my children to worry about starvation, but I do want them to understand where their food comes from and the sacrifices each person along the way made for it to get from the ground to their plates. I also want them to understand that many people do not have the finances and/or access to healthy food. This knowledge has been plaguing me for quite some time now and I can no longer ignore it. I think it's awesome what food banks and soup kitchens help provide people with groceries and meals. But I can not help but question how healthy those foods are that they provide. I know that budget is always an issue... but it seems to me there has to be a way to provide people in the inner city with access to affordable organic produce. That is one of the reasons I love the idea of urban community gardens so much. Not only does it provide healthy food, but it brings people together to work towards building a stronger neighborhood.

This is what the boys and I had for lunch today...



Although I noticed that veggies were missing, so I will have to make sure that they get some through snacks and dinner. I have a difficult time getting them to eat enough veggies, so I juice a lot... carrot apple celery is our favorite. :) Today the boys had veggie "chicken" nuggets, organic corn chips, fresh pineapple slices, and organic chocolate milk. Normally they will only drink soy, but they will drink cow milk if it is in chocolate form. I had a turkey, cheese, and avocado sandwich on flax seed bread, corn chips, and pineapple slices. This is a pretty typical lunch for us. Not a day goes by, or a bite of food taken, that I forget to give thanks for the blessing our rich Father in Heaven has poured upon us. That's not to say that we don't have to skimp and save at times... to ration it out... to be aware of how much money we are spending and to make it last. But, He has always been faithful in taking care of our basic needs. I am acutely aware that there are others who need provisions, and I can not sit by any longer and do absolutely nothing to help.




They are also in the habit of eating lunch at 11:00 and dinner at 4:00 every single day, and they make sure to remind me of this. I don't know what they would do if their little schedule was suddenly thrown off. It would be an enormous catastrophe, there would be chaos and destruction, and also probably lots of whining and pouting, along with dramatic performances... including props, which would consist of empty plates and clocks. They have no idea what it feel like to be hungry. I mean truly hungry, in the sense of not having eaten for a long time and not having any idea when your next meal will be. I don't EVER want them to know what that feels like, but I DO want them to understand that it EXISTS in our world, and that people every day are suffering from it.



I feel myself being drawn to the city... and as terrified as I am of leaving my little comfort zone and am distraught at the thought of my time schedule getting turned upside down, I can not fight these stirrings any longer. So, I am praying for God to prepare me for this path I am feeling lead down. The other issue I am having to pray about is protection from my past demons. Another reason why I struggle with spending time in the city is a result of the life I once lived there many years ago. Most of you don't know that I used to be a drug addict (amongst other things). Although it has been over 12 years ago now, it is something I am still dealing with. I know that God has forgiven me, but I have been in the process recently of trying to forgive myself. My heart aches for people who are where I once was, and so I have been asking God to use me however he can... even if it's just to listen.



I have been putting all of my energy into my children for the past 8 years and have been recently focused on homeschooling. They are still my first priority, and I feel it has helped me to become stronger as a woman and has also taught me to be patient, understanding, and more loving. But there are things now that I feel called to myself. One of those things is school... I have gone back and forth about what area of study to focus on. Health/ nutrition/ and natural beauty products are very important to me... but beyond that, is the desire to teach that God has given us EVERYTHING we need to be healthy. And even beyond that... to help others understand the importance of taking care of our souls as well, through Scripture reading, prayer, and by forming and nurturing healthy relationship with God, our family and friends, and other people around us.

So, I have been praying... Lord, how can I combine all of my desires and passions into one ministry? And the answer was so clear and simple to me.

The Olive Tree Community.



I feel I still have a little way to go as God continues to prepare me... please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I embark upon this new journey.

Much love and many blessings,

Erin



Also, you may or may not be familiar with Jamie Oliver. Admittedly, when I first discovered his cookbooks years ago, I had a bit of a crush... but he has since become one of my biggest inspirations. He is a husband, a father, and a young crusader in the world of food. If you have a chance, please check out his website and click on "Campaigns". :)

And for further reading, check out this list of books on food/politics at Amazon.com

My many colored days... and memory foam nights.

Good evening my dear bloggy friends,



It's Sunday night and I'm trying to figure out where the weekend went. Time just seems to be flying by so quickly these days. I have been without a car now for several months, so the only time I have access to the other car (J's) is on the weekend, which means I have to squeeze a lot of stuff into a small amount of time. Recently it's been spent collecting and returning job applications, apartment hunting, errand running, grocery shopping, and occasionally church when we're all healthy at the same time. Yesterday I went to look at another apartment and really loved it. The unit itself was pretty small, but there was a lot of open outdoor green space, which is very important to the boys. It was also in a nice neighborhood and in an excellent school district. It was not the area I had originally intended to move to, but I have been trying to keep an open heart and mind and follow God's lead... (more on that soon.)The sky was such a beautiful shade of blue and the sun was shining... it was the warmest day we have had in awhile. And by 'warm' I mean, high 30's, ha! :)



After that I ran a few errands.. went to Whole Foods and to my favorite toy store to see if they had Mad Libs (which they did & the boys were very excited about),then ran back home to grab a bite to eat, and then was off again to get a much needed hair cut. I had only been to that particular mall a couple times and never to the salon, so I realized when I got there that I could not remember in the mall where it was located. I speed walked through the entire second floor, unable to find it, only to finally discover that it was on the first floor, way at the entire opposite end of the mall. By the time I got there I was wheezy and sweaty. I was also completely embarrassed by my hair color, as I recently had a bit of a mishap. :(

It looked cute in the pic below for about two days until it started turning orange....



So, what happened was that I tried to put blonde streaks in my hair myself, but they were much too dramatic, so I tried to tone the rest of my hair down a shade using a mixture of lemon juice/conditioner and it was super cute at first (the pic in my last blog was taken after that). But then after a few more washes my hair started turning really orange and blotchy. So I decided to try to go back to light brown again, but instead it just turned the streaks a green-ish gray color. Then after much googling, I read that you have to use a red tone first as a filler, before dying brown over top. So then I colored it red, which turned it a horrible shade of orange/purple and then dyed it brown over top. For some reason most of my hair took the brown, but some rejected it, so now it's mostly really dark auburn brown, with purple/red on top. It only looks normal in this pic because you can't see my roots...



So, I am completely broke by this point, because I just spent so much money buying boxed hair dye, and the girl who cut my hair HIGHLY suggested I do not try to fix it again myself. So, thankfully... I remembered that I had a gift card for an Aveda spa/salon for a massage from like a year ago that I keep forgetting to use. After calling to inquire, they said I could use it for any treatment I want. So, I made an appointment to have my hair color fixed, and am giving up my massage... sigh.

It's a good thing I held onto that gift card all this time, because otherwise I would be forced to continue going out in public with really badly dyed hair. So... hopefully they will be able to fix the damage I have caused. The funny thing is (not ha ha funny) is that I am probably going to end up with the same color I had to begin with! I have definitely learned my lesson. And if I EVER decide to try to highlight my hair again myself, somebody please stop me! I mean, I've had hair minor hair trauma in the past, bu this definitely was by far the worst experience ever. Now I'm just praying that my hair doesn't fall out and have been spending a lot of time deep conditioning with olive oil, honey, and avocado. Yum :)



Today, on the other hand, was not so productive. The boys have both had colds and coughs all week and I have been feeling some congestion in my chest, but have been determined that I can fight it off with oranges. This morning I woke up with a splitting headache and pain in my chest though, so I decided to just take it easy in bed. I got caught up on e-mail, researched schools for the boys and myself, filled out my apartment application, caught up with my mom on the phone, etc. But, the absolute best part of it was that I did it all on my brand new memory foam mattress! Nolan knows that I have suffered for years with severe back and neck problems, so he decided we needed a new mattress and had it shipped to me this past week. :) Admittedly, I am feeling a little guilty about getting to sleep on it now, while he has to wait several more months. But, it's pretty amazing and definitely the most romantic gift ever. It's so sweet how concerned he is about my health and well being. :)



I have slept really well the past two nights, but my back is a little sore as it is trying to adjust to the new level of firmness. The funny thing is that when I first got it out of the package and put it on my box spring it looks so skinny and ridiculously dwarfed in comparison to my giant sleigh bed frame, so I decided to put it on top of my regular mattress as sort of a pillow topper. By the next morning though it had doubled in size and now I am up so high off of the ground! I thought about removing my other mattress, but decided that I kinda like being so high up in the air. I feel lofty and royal. Like the princess and the pea. :) So, I don't care what anyone says, I'm leaving it like this. It is hilarious though watching the boys try to get into it. They sorta run and jump, and then cling onto the side and shimmy up the rest of the way. Also, once they are on it, they have trouble getting back down. It's been fun cuddling up in it together though, reading Dr. Seuss books and laughing hysterically over Mad Libs.



There is just one person missing though... thankfully our tribe will be together in just a few weeks, when Nolan comes to visit for several days. In the meantime, it's nice to lay in bed and talk to him on the phone... daydreaming that he is snuggled up beside me. Sigh...



Nighty nite & sweet dreams...

XOXO, Erin



Does anyone else have any hair horror stories to share, or am I the only one?

P.S.- More than once I cut my own hair as short as Dolores O'Riordan. And in High school I used to have to listen to "the Cranberries" to be able to fall asleep every night. Even now they still make my eyelids heavy...