I had an upper respiratory infection for a couple weeks earlier this month and tried to fight it off with vitamins, homeopathic medicine, lots of fluids, etc. During that time I took a trip (more about that soon) and my ears were burning on the plane... I returned home and finally gave in and went to Urgent Care to find out that the bronchitis had progressed into pneumonia and that I also had a double ear infection. I was put on a breathing treatment immediately and given antibiotics and also a steroid treatment. It has been scary not being able to catch my breath even while laying still, and the pain in my lungs and ears at times were almost unbearable. They still hurt and I am still recovering.... I am doing a bit better, but may have to return to the doctor again this week for a second treatment.
The boys went to stay with my mom, and then my dad & step-mom over Thanksgiving and are returning tomorrow. J went to his mom's and then to stay with a "friend" (more on that later as well) for the weekend... So, I have been here by myself for the past couple of days.
The first day was difficult in the sense that I am so used to having people around me at all times. The silence was at times a bit unnerving, but eventually I gave into the quietness.. and attempted to come to terms with the idea that soon, I will be on my own again. I have been at home with the boys since our oldest was born. It has been over 7 years since I have worked out of the house. I have formed my own routines and they have become quite comfortable. It is going to take some time to adjust once I begin working again. I have also been struggling with the idea of having to go from being with my children all day long to the possibility of having to work two jobs and barely see them anymore... So,
I have also decided that I am going to go to school. I always felt that onc day I eventually would... before having children, while we were living in Nashville I bought a book called "Aveda Rituals". The book is not only just about their products, but an understanding of what the company stands for and a guide towards living a healthier and more balanced life. I was instantly smitten and knew that one day I wanted to work for this company. There is an Aveda school here that I just found out offers part-time evening and weekend classes that I could take and be finished in only 9 months. My hope is that I can get enough financial help that I will only have to work part-time and still be able to be home for my children after school. I have to wait now though for the divorce to be finalized before I can apply for assistance. I plan to study Esthiology, to become a Spa Therapist. I have found that touch can have such a healing effect. As a parent, I have often found it difficult to take time to myself to nurture and pamper my body. But stress... as I very well know, can lead to sickness... and it is so important to listen to your body and to take time to focus on your own needs. I love the idea of helping to teach people how to take care of their skin and to ease tension through massage, aromatherapy, and by living a balanced lifestyle. Although, I have to admit, it is something I am still learning myself... but I am excited about the process. :)
Yesterday was a completely different sort of day. I did not sleep at all the night before and after many fitful attempts of not being able to nap I gave into the frustrations, the irritations... and just began to release it all. I allowed myself to have a much needed and lengthy temper tantrum (yes, there was kicking and pillow punching, screaming, and growling... ) I allowed the darkness to sink in and just sit with me for a bit. I let the pain come... the tears flow... J stopped in briefly to check on me and we went together to finally sign our divorce papers. The divorce itself was something I have been preparing myself for quite a while now and came to terms with many years ago. What I did not see coming was the flood of memories and emotions that would hit me once the cycle was permanently broken. I had not been out of the house for over a week, having been sick.. and so as I attempted to get myself dressed and ready to go, anxiety suddenly hit me hard. I managed to pull myself together enough, but my hands were shaking the entire time I was signing. I felt like I was either going to pass out or throw up as 10 years of memories began passing through my mind all at once. It was overwhelming, to say the very least. Last night I took time to look through some old photos throughout the years and spent a lot of time in prayer... trying to let go of all the bad, while still holding onto the good. Two beautiful and healthy boys have come from this marriage and I have learned and grown so much through the process... but 10 years is a large chunk of time and I know there is still more healing to come...
Part of why the divorce process has been taking awhile is because of the costs involved. Recently we had to come up with quite a bit of money for the divorce, but also to have our car fixed, only for something else to immediately go wrong with it. On top of that, the Holidays are here and I have been stressing out about having enough money for groceries, let alone presents, etc. But the other night while praying.. I lifted it all up to God. For my Father in Heaven is rich... He is loving and giving... and all we have to do is ask. So, I allowed myself to let go of all control, and asked Him for financial help. The very next day He answered my prayers. The boys' presents, the car battery, the unexpected extra divorce fees.. have ALL been taken care of! I pray blessings over J's mom, who.. without our asking.. relieved us, through the grace and goodness of God, of all our worries!
Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
Finally, last night... although I had difficulty falling asleep.. I finally sank into a deep slumber. I awoke this morning feeling emotionally drained, but rested and renewed. The sun was shining, I brewed some espresso, listened to this song...
And suddenly, I felt so incredibly full! Even in my deepest darkest hours, I know that I am never ALONE. A wise and beautiful man just told me, "Faith is hope set in motion." And I am holding onto those words....
I have so much to be thankful for... including all of your love and prayers... your encouraging words mean the world to me. Thank you for giving me the time and patience I have needed to get through this time period. It is going to be an ongoing journey and healing process, but knowing that I am surrounded by family and friends, and through the strength and by the grace of God, I am finally free of the past.. of the heartache and pain and emptiness... and I will take what I have learned now and continue to move forward. So much good awaits! :) More to come soon.....
I love you all so much.
Blessings, love, and hugs...
Erin
