A long and painful trip down memory lane..

Today was an unusually warm and blustery day. I was watching through the window as panda and the boys played baseball in the green space behind our townhouse. Although part of me wished I could join them, I was thankful for the quiet time to myself, and for having been given the chance to put my feet up and rest for a bit.

I have had serious back, neck, and feet problems for as long as I can remember. Most of the time I don't think about it because it just seems like a part of life, but the pain has been getting worse. Every morning for months now I have awoken to pins and needles in my feet and can barely stand up to walk when I first get out of bed. Usually I just ignore the pain and am able to sit down and rest throughout the day. But, as Spring is nearing I have become worried that I won't be able to enjoy being outdoors, exercising, and playing with my family as much as I would like. So, today I decided to start doing something about it.

I used to be a sporty preppy kind of girl up until about my freshman/sophomore year of High School. I played softball and volleyball. I wore Guess jeans and L.A. Gear shoes. Also penny loafers and pin-striped cotton shirts with buttons and collars. I liked the color pink and used lots of hairspray. I dreamed of visiting the Mall of America. I went through a Cross-Colors phase too, but I won't get into that now.

I discovered Pearl Jam and Nirvana in Jr. High, but it wasn't until later that I fully embraced the grunge look and began buying my clothes at thrift stores. Kate Moss Vogue ads were my inspiration and I plastered my walls with pages torn from magazines. I wore Ck one and had a t-shirt with Kurt Cobain's death Certificate printed on the front. I got sent home from school one day to change after wearing Calvin Kleins over my body suit, so that the black and white label peeked out above my jeans. I listened to the Cranberries on my 5-disk CD changer to help me fall asleep at night. I'm sure you are beginning to wonder where this story is going..

I never really liked sports and was okay at them. Not great, but not horrible either. Volleyball conditioning was pretty much my idea of Hell on Earth at the time. I have dealt with much worse pain since then (such as having to children completely naturally) but at the time I was young and had nothing to compare the pain of running laps with your arms in the air to. I can't remember the exact moment when finally decided that I'd had enough, but I think it vaguely may have had something to do with meeting some skater boys in the next town over. I quickly decided that I would much rather hang out in church parking lots watching cute boys with baggy jeans doing kick flips than bruising my skinny weak wrists on volleyballs.

Anyway.. around that time we were all learning to drive and I was involved in a few car accidents, which I'm sure contributed to my initial back and neck problems.(I suffered form whip-lash during one of the accidents.) Later on, after moving to Columbus out of High School, I was staying at a friend's house temporarily and had invited a few other friends over one afternoon. We were out on the back balcony when suddenly it collapsed under us, sending my friends and I sliding down along with some potted plants. It happened so quickly and I don't remember what fell on me, but my leg got crushed under something. I somehow managed not to break a bone, but my entire leg was completely bruised purple.

I started seeing a chiropractor later on for the accidents and seemed to be getting better.. but then just this past year I fell down the steps in our house, landing on my butt and jamming my tailbone. I was in bed for a week, completely unable to walk. The numbness in my feet started after the stairs incident and I began getting migraines regularly from my neck problems, so I started going back to the chiropractor again more frequently. Since having moved a few months ago I have not found a new chiropractor here yet and my pain has grown much worse recently.

The problem is, I've known for years that wearing flat-footed flip flops and Converse year round are not helping at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure they have been contributing to the problem. The other day I walked around Target for an hour with my little one. By evening, the pain from my feet was shooting up the back of my legs into my lower back and I couldn't bend over while washing my face in the sink that night. I knew it was time to trade in my Converse for some LA Gear. But it almost felt like backtracking to me, trading in Kurt and Eddie for Tiffany and Debbie. I just wasn't so sure I could go back to my mall rat days again.

I knew something had to be done though, so I took my littlest one with me to DSW yesterday only to leave empty handed and completely bewildered by the vast array of athletic shoe options. Not to mention the prices. Today I went back in by myself with a clearer, more open-minded head and began to try on one shoe after another. They all seemed so bulky and complicated. I felt like a clunky Clydesdale horse. That was not the type of animal I was going for. I wanted something sleeker, more simple, aerodynamic. That's when I saw the Pumas. Quick, stealthy, and ninja-like. Finally, I had reached a decision! But, just as I thought the process was over, I was forced to choose a color. Black and white, gray and pink, brown and beige. I was beginning to feel my obsessive compulsiveness kick in at this point. I was also hungry and the room seemed to be spinning a bit. Finally I chose the black and white because they seemed as though they would coordinate the easiest with most outfits.

It was an exhausting process for me. Afterward, we went home and I changed into my sporty new shoes before taking a walk with my family. We explored a new trail and enjoyed the little bit of the day that was left before dusk. My feet and back still hurt as I walked, but as I felt the newly cushioned support under my feet something began to change in me. A sort of hope began to emerge. I could feel it in the air. The warm breeze that we have so longingly been waiting for finally visited us today. With it came a sense of newness, change, and healing.

I feel as though I have spent a lot of my life fighting and battling sickness and pain. But through it all I have continued to strengthen internally and spiritually. I am looking forward to putting on my new shoes tomorrow and seeing what path they take me on next. :)