How Great Thou Art

Before I begin, I just wanted to share with you that I opened my mind and heart today and so I pray that while reading this, you will as well. :)

I have been a bit reluctant to share with everyone the spiritual distance I have been experiencing lately, but here we go..

I have been dealing with bouts of depression and overwhelming anxiety that has kept me awake most every night. I have felt distant from God, my prayers not seeming to go anywhere but into thin air. I haven't been able to hear his voice, or feel him close to me. I have felt lost, unsure of where I fit in, overburdened at times by life, heavy with stress, exhausted, unsure of myself and my decisions..

Today something changed in me through, so I feel it's time to write about it now.

As I have briefly written about in a past post, we came across a new church close to downtown when we first moved here and it was instantly love at first sight. The pastor and his wife were so sweet and welcoming and we were convinced right away that it was the place for us. Shortly after, we became house ridden for a month while caught in a frenzy of flu, severe sinus headaches, and colds. I spent a lot of time in bed, thinking, praying, writing, and crying out to God. As much as I adored the church, something was still tugging at me to keep searching. I began to think about the importance of community and started searching close to home. There is a church we used to attend for a short time while living not far from here several years ago that we have considered returning to, along with a couple others close by that I considered visiting. One of the churches on my list meets in a H.S. in the next town over, and after visiting their website, we had planned to go there this morning. Well, I'm not sure what was going on, but nobody was cooperating and it seemed to be one thing after another trying to slow us down, until finally I looked at the clock and realized we had already missed half of the service. Frustrated, I went to my room and closed the door.. my head between my hands, my knees pulled to my chest and started to cry. "God, where do you want us? What is this trying to come against us?" And as I laid down, ready to fall back in depression, a thought suddenly came to me.

Friday night I was looking online at homeschooling groups in the Columbus area and happened to notice a homeschooling group made up of about 30 people that go to this one particular church. Hmm.. I thought to myself, but that was about all.

As much as I wanted to stay in bed and sulk about missing the other service, I know that familiar nudge all too well. So I quickly sprang out of bed, checked their website, and found out that there was another service starting in 30 minutes (the exact amount of time it would take us to get there). My husband and children must have sensed an urgency in my voice, and not questioning it, quickly got their act together this time around. It still took us 15 extra minutes to get shoes and coats and bathroom breaks out of the way, but I figured with it being such a large church, nobody would notice us rolling in a little late. So, off we went.. and it wasn't until my thoughts started setting in as I stared out the window at the rain and the swooshing wipers, that I began to have anxiety and doubt. "This is not at all what you have been searching for. I thought you wanted to find a small church in your own neighborhood? This is exactly the type of place that turns you off.. you'll just be another number in the crowd, how are you going to meet anyone this way? Oh, and the huge projection screens, concert lighting, and fake smiles.. why would you want to go there? You've been to these types of churches before. They are all the same." I was very much considering telling J to forget it, I had changed my mind. But instead, I forced out all of the negative thoughts, "I'm going to be open-minded" I thought, "Maybe there's something I'm missing."

And there was. Only it took me awhile to realize it.

So, we finally find the Church and it is massive. I'm talking as big as a shopping mall and we can't find a place to park, so we drive around and around, which just gives me that much more time to consider changing my mind, and causes us to be that much later than we already are. We finally realize there is another parking lot for the late comers on the other side of the building and walk forever in the pouring rain to one of the many entrances. The boys are stunned by the gigantic structure before us, and I have forgotten that they were not born when we had our brief encounter with mega churches in Nashville. Yes, we've been to them all, including Michael W's very own (who believe it or not, actually meets in a fairly modest building in comparison to many others) and quickly realized those places were not for us. So, what on Earth were we doing at one again after all of these years? I guess we were about to find out.

We were greeted with friendly smiles (and trust me, I can tell the difference by now between the real and the fake.) These ones were genuine and not for a moment did I feel judgment towards being late. We then followed the other stragglers towards the sound of my favorite hymn "How Great Thou Art?". I am not often moved by worship music, but this one makes me want to sob at the mere mention of the title. So, I knew we were off to a good start here. Quickly though I began to stress a bit after looking around and not seeing any available seats. We finally found three open ones together though and took turns holding the little one on our laps. I was sad that my song was coming to an end, as the Pastor stepped on stage after returning from a mission trip. As the lights dimmed I whispered to J how comfortable I thought the seats were and how I felt like we were in a movie theater. Looking around, I was actually surprised to notice that it wasn't as big as I thought (Maybe because I was comparing it the larger mega-churches in my past) and that it felt warm and comfortable. I felt strangely at home and at peace. What was going on? I realized halfway through the service that they never dismissed the children though and looking around realized that there weren't any in the room besides ours and a few infants. Oops. The boys were fairly good though, drawing, listening, and looking at books.. although they grew a bit fidgety towards the end. The pastor spoke about coming together, breaking down boundaries, peace, and Jesus being the way to reconciliation. It was a good sermon accompanied by personal stories from his trip and maps on the mega screen. As he neared the end though he asked if anyone in the Church had been feeling distant from God and urged people to stand. Yes, I was feeling distance and no, I was not about to stand. But then he kept gently urging and coaxing. "Just stand" he said softly, but firmly "Come on, just stand." Man, he is being relentless, isn't he? I was just beginning to feel annoyed by him, but then something funny happened as he closed his eyes and began to pray over everyone.

I stood. I stood and had no control over my decision to stand. It just happened, almost as if by an unnatural force. And even as I was standing there I thought, Am I really standing? Then suddenly felt a wave of peace rush over me. The prayer ended and everyone opened their eyes. "There's no hiding now", I thought to myself. But then he said something even more challenging and scary, "Come." I stood, but I am NOT walking past an enormous stadium of people to the front of the room. I try to sit down (hoping that nobody will notice what a coward I am), and I do sit for a moment, but my body will not allow me to remain there. So, I get up out of my seat and catch the reassuring smile of the woman a row ahead of me. As I walked to the front of the room, I held her smile close to me for protection, and all the fear that I felt begins to fade. A pretty younger woman then approached me and I started rambling on to her about who knows what, then she rested her hand on my shoulder and began to pray for me. (I am getting teary eyed just now thinking about it.) She then lead me to meet a woman with beautiful and kind eyes in another room who helped me find some groups within the church, including a homeschooling one, and some in my area. She too, then prayed for me and told me that I was welcome to come to that room anytime I needed to see a familiar face again. After that I was lead to another woman, with white hair and a graceful presence, who gave me a tour of the children's area. I then phoned J to find out where they were and he told me they were waiting in the car for me.

I still don't fully comprehend what happened today. What I do know though is that without a doubt, God spoke to me and I finally listened!

I am usually fairly private about my faith and quiet to proclaim it, but I felt the need to share this story with you tonight. I thought I'd end it with a scripture and song that speaks to my heart and soul in a way that I can not express through words alone. Plus it takes me back to my Southern roots for a moment. ;) Thank you for taking the time to read and listen.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (New International Version)

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.