into exile

I couldn't sleep again last night so I read for awhile from a book entitled, "Justice in the Suburbs" by Will and Lisa Sampson. There were a couple verses of scripture within it that really spoke to me.

"Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there and do not decrease. But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray for the Lord on it's behalf, for in it's welfare you will find your welfare." Jeremiah 29:4-7

"For surely you know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you from the place from which I sent you into exile." Jeremiah 29:11-14

I have read these verses many time before and have always focused on the part that says, "For surely you know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope." While that verse still brings me much comfort and hope, it was another part that stood out to me this time. "But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray for the Lord on it's behalf, for in it's welfare you will find your welfare."

For in it's welfare you will find your welfare. What does that mean?

I think I have an idea of what it means for my life. I have never really felt at home anywhere. This is my 3rd time living in the Columbus area and I still feel like an outsider. Maybe it's because I have come and gone so much, moving around like a nomad. I have never been able to stay in one place for very long. This life has always seemed so temporary to me and home was wherever I happened to lay my head that night. Recently we decided it was becoming too much on the boys and decided to put down roots and buy a house in our small hometown close to our parents. The papa panda was hoping to eventually find a job closer, but in the meantime was commuting almost a total of 4 hours a day, this was also during the time when gas prices skyrocketed. After a year and a half, the exhaustion of the commute and cost of gas began to drain us physically and financially. It also began to create distance within our marriage. We moved back to the city a couple months ago and are still in the process of selling our house.

Over and over I keep getting drawn back into the city and over and over again I try to flee from it. While there are so many aspects of the city that I love, I also found a new love for the country while moving back to our hometown for a short time. I found sanctuary and peace and became more interested in learning about gardening and living off of the land. I had dreams of building a house in the woods, surrounded only by the sound of nature. But God obviously had different plans for us, and here we are once again. I know that part of while I have tried to escape this city is because it is haunted by a past that I would much rather forget. The first time we moved back here from Nashville was difficult for me. I hadn't been back since I had left 4 years earlier after becoming a Christian and leaving my ghosts and memories behind me. I knew when we came back that it was time to face my fears and I spent a lot of time working through some difficult memories here.

This time feels different though. I feel called back to the city this time for a different reason. We moved into a townhouse in the suburbs to be close to panda's job and to be in a good school district. But my heart is tugging at me to go into the city. To feel what makes it pulse, to open my eyes and heart to what is really going on inside of it. After reading "Closing the food gap" by Mark Winne recently, I have been thinking a lot about people who don't have access to fresh produce and wholesome food. I started thinking that although I can't have a big yard with a garden in the country, maybe I could start an urban community garden. Then just a couple days ago I started reading the book, "Justice in the Burbs, being the hands of Jesus wherever you live" and it pointed out all of the fears I have been having lately about living in the suburbs.

As you know if you have been reading my blogs lately, I am very seriously considering homeschooling (life schooling) after this school year is over and moving back into the city. Although the suburbs are clean and safe, I worry about getting stuck in a bubble living here. When you distance yourself from the problems within the city in this way, it is easier to forget that they exist. This does not mean that I am going to move my family into a inner city crime-ridden neighborhood. It does mean though that I want to be closer to where I can help the most. I want our children to have an awareness to what's going on in the world, without putting them in any danger. Too many families are stuck in their own little world, their time filled with school, work, soccer practice, dance recitals.. etc. They buzz around like busy little bees from one place to the next. But, are they really getting anywhere? I'm not trying to say there's anything wrong with this life, but aren't we called above and beyond these day to day activities? Isn't there more to life than this? I don't know.. maybe it's just me. I always have been a dreamer.

I have taken these scriptures to heart though. I do believe that God has plans for my welfare, and not for harm. I believe that He wants to give me a future with hope, that he will restore my fortunes, and gather me from nations and all the places from which He has driven me out.

In the meantime, I will live in exile (my temporary home on Earth) build a house and live in it, plant a garden and eat what it produces. I will pray for the welfare of this city, and be the hands of Jesus wherever He needs me. I am interested in seeing where this journey leads..