Yesterday my little one and I got all bundled up and out the door to warm up the car (in 12 degree weather) only to discover that our car was stuck on ice and would not back up or go forward. For 10 minutes we sat there while the tires spun round and round. I had to be at school in 5 min to pick up my oldest. I called the papa at work to have him call the school and let them know what was going on, while I knocked on the one neighbor's door that I vaguely know to see if he could help push the car. No response. Not knowing anyone else that is home during the day or that lives even relatively close, my poor little guy had to wait in the school office until the panda could get there to pick him up 30 min later. His little brother was worried sick about him even though I assured him that he was fine and wouldn't be stuck at school forever. I felt so awful though. How scary it must feel to be stuck in a new school where you hardly know anyone while you wait half an hour (which I'm sure seemed like eternity) for one of your parents to come get you. He was okay of course and they told panda that he was very patient.

I still felt irritated though.. with the ice, with the freezing cold (that earlier I had to stand outside in and pump gas while my hands and feet went numb), with the fact that had I just decided to homeschool instead of sending him to kindergarten this year I wouldn't have to go outside at all and get 3 people bundled, and then un-bundled, and then bundled again.. scrape ice and snow off the car every day (why have we still not bought a snow brush?) And I'm going on and on in my head until he gets home and I embrace him, check him over to make sure he's okay (of what exactly, I'm not sure.. ), and warm up his dinner. Then as he sits down to eat, he suddenly stops my train of thought by saying something like this..

"I learned a few more of the kids' names in my class today." Then goes on to list them and smiles a huge smile. An, "I'm starting to get comfortable and makes friends again" kind of smile.

And my heart melts through all the snow and ice in my mind. And I feel overjoyed, yet perplexed. He had just gotten to this place before when we moved and then had to change schools. And here we are now thinking about not sending him back next year. When I talk to him about it, he is torn. He wants to homeschool, but also wants to be around kids and have friends. Of course, I want all of those things for him too. And I know that we could join some sort of homeschooling group and get him involved in activities where he could be around other kids. But is it enough?

I'm thinking about something that stood out to me in John Holt's book, "Teach your own", which I am currently re-reading. It was in response to the worry that if kids stay at home they won't have the chance to socialize properly. The response was, "If there is no other reason for wanting to keep your kids out of school, the social life would be reason enough. In all but a very few of the schools I have taught in, visited, or known anything about, the social life of the children is mean-spirited, competitive, exclusive, status-seeking, snobbish, full of talk about who went to who's birthday party or who got what Christmas presents and who got how many Valentine cards and who is talking to so-and-so and who is not. Even in the first grade, classes soon divide up into leaders (energetic and-often deservedly-popular kids0, their band of followers, and other outsiders who are pointedly excluded from these groups."

From what I remember in my school growing up (and I have blocked most of it out), it's all true. I just happened to be lucky enough to be included in the popular crowd through all of elementary school and have a good and bad mix of memories, mostly involving barbies and slumber parties. But I had to fight to keep my place there when I got to Jr. High. That meant battling against my own decision making to go along with the crowd just so I wouldn't be excluded. I endured back-stabbing and cruelty regardless and tolerated it up until I couldn't stand to be a part of it anymore. It wasn't until halfway through High School that I finally got up the courage to break off from the popular crowd and started to get to know people outside of the group. I made a few new friends with whom I could be myself around more easily, and not feel as though I had to walk on eggshells around or watch my back all the time. Eventually my school life started to suffer though and I began to lose interest, so I changed schools, made completely new friends and finally for the first time felt that I could truly be myself without having to try and please anyone. Unfortunately though, I went the opposite extreme. I became so interested in "discovering myself" that I stopped focusing on school, eventually dropped out, moved to the city, and eventually went back to get my GED.

My oldest is a vegetarian, it is not something we chose for him, he made the decision on his own over a year ago. He cares very much about animals and the environment. He loves to draw, read, write, and sword fight. He is very passionate about everything he does. It makes me feel so proud that he has a mind of his own and questions everything before coming to a conclusion. I am scared that if he stays in school he is either going to feel pressured to change who he is to fit in or become excluded because, well.. his packed vegan lunch is different from the other kids, or he thinks, talks, and cares deeply about things that others his age might not find as impressive as his parents do. I don't ever want him to change who he is and I can't stand the thought of him feeling excluded because I can still remember that gut-wrenching, heart-aching feeling myself.

Ugh, this was a difficult blog for me to write. I realize that as I blog about my struggles as an adult and a parent, eventually it's going to lead me back into my own my childhood, because it is a part of who I am. Some of those places just aren't so easy to re-visit though. I think the difference between my life growing up and my own kids' lives is that, whether or not they decide to go to school or stay home, they will always be encouraged to be who they are and not who we want them to be or who we feel others expect them to be. Unless something they are doing is causing harm to themselves or hurting someone else, then I'm not going to stop them. If they want to dye their hair purple, or wear clothes that don't make sense to us, or experiment with art or music, or if they want to (gasp!) play sports even.. so be it. No harm in that, no images here to protect. Although sometimes people do get hurt playing sports.. so I may object a little to football. :) Luckily though, my oldest has already stated that.. why would he possibly want to play football and just set himself up to get hurt?

I have to agree, and it makes me wonder.. why would I want to set my children up in a school environment only to watch them get hurt? I know it's a cruel world out there and I can't protect them from everything forever.. but I'm not going to purposely put them in harm's way either.

I think back to earlier today when the car was stuck on the ice and wonder if there was a reason behind why we were not supposed to leave here. Does God often protect us by not allowing us to take certain paths? Does he prevent us occasionally from being in harm's way?

I'm sure that I will never know the answers to these questions in my lifetime, nor will I know how the decisions I make now in life will impact our children's future. I guess all we can do is pray for guidance, trust our instincts, and plant seeds of faith in our children that will help prepare them for whatever direction life takes them, in hopes that they make good decisions of their own along the way.