hunger and insomnia

The smell of pizza is drifting under the door and I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself. I am beyond hungry to the point where my stomach aches longingly, but I have lost interest in eating. Yesterday we went to my favorite market downtown to wander around and I had to protect myself from the sights and smells of food surrounding me. Indian, Chinese, sushi, pizza.. ice cream. I focused instead on the beautiful colors of the locally grown organic produce in my shopping basket. I'm thinking now about whipping up a kale, banana, and pineapple smoothie but that would mean having to go downstairs where the smell of pizza in the kitchen is so much stronger and harder to resist. It's not my family or friends' fault that I have been cursed, or blessed (can't figure out which yet) with allergies to almost everything. It's not their fault that my life was drastically turned upside down so many months ago now while there's has stayed the same. It's not anyone's fault, but it makes me angry. And jealous. And hungry. So, I'm hiding out in the bedroom until the smell disappears.

Tomorrow we are planning to go to a pot luck. I am both looking forward to and dreading it. The couple who invited us are the pastor and his wife of the new church we visited last Sunday. I have been praying for spiritual support and friendship and I feel as though they would be good people to have in our life. I want to try to socialize more and get out of my comfort zone, but the idea of spending time around other people eating causes severe anxiety in me. We didn't make it to church this evening because I have been up for the past two nights with insomnia. I lay in bed hungry and worrying how I am going to live the rest of my life this way. I have barely slept or eaten for days and earlier when the papa took the boys outside to play in the snow I came in from taking pictures and nearly collapsed onto the floor. After a bit of rest and something small to eat, I am feeling a bit better. But, I know that I cannot continue on like this. All I can do now though is to continue educating myself on the food that I can eat and how to prepare it, and pray A LOT.

I have to believe there is a reason behind all of this. That I'm not being made to suffer for someone else's fun or amusement. I have to believe that there is a plan for my life that is unknown to me now, but that I must go through this to get there. I have to believe all of that other wise I will give up and give in to depression. Please God help me through this..