bloom where you are planted

It's late and I snuck downstairs to write on panda's work laptop, which has a broken neck and is being propped up now by a pillow. The keyboard feels strange and I have to type slowly, as I have gotten used to writing now on the old computer in our bedroom.

I have spent most of this evening praying in the bathtub (the only place where I am free of distractions.. although sometimes I find myself turning the shampoo bottles around so I won't be tempted to stat label reading while there.) I have also been devouring several books in the bathtub, including one that I mentioned in a recent blog, "Justice in the Burbs". It was one of those books that while skimming through the religion section in the library, sort of just fell into my hands. As if to say, "Take me home and read me. God will use me to help you make sense of some of those deep questions you have been struggling with." Okay, okay.. so books don't actually physically jump off the shelves and start talking to me. Although it would be fascinating if they did! I do however, often feel lead to books while at the library and in many ways, they do "speak" to me.

If you happened to have read the last post I wrote in which I also mentioned that book, you might remember that I brought up the scripture in the Bible where God says, "But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare."

Let me back up for a minute though before I get ahead of myself. As I have recently found myself becoming more and more drawn to the heart of the city, I have assumed that meant we should move there to be closer to where I feel I can help the most, and also to be closer to our new church family. Although there is nothing wrong with these desires by themselves, what is happening to me as a result of these desires.. maybe not so good. I am realizing that in the process, I am beginning to distance myself from my present home and the community in which I currently dwell. Mostly out of assumption that there is nothing for me to do here. There aren't any homeless or hungry people that I am aware of in my neighborhood. We live in a suburb filled with huge brand new housing developments, clean parks, excellent schools, and a plethora of shopping options. It's all pretty perfect and squeaky clean. Sure, there are those people like us who live in apartment complexes and smaller, older homes that were here before all the new development took over and may be struggling a little more financially, but these people are still housed and fed.. right? Maybe so, but who knows what other issues may be lurking within any of these places. Who knows what sort of suffering is going on inside any of these homes (big or small, old or new) .. depression, loneliness, anxiety? Regardless, those are personal issues that, although I know something about firsthand, am not sure how I can help with. It seems much easier to join an organization and help where 'outwardly' it looks like people need help the most. So, I have found myself these past couple of weeks beginning to set myself apart from where I am and have begun Craig's list searching for places closer to downtown. That was, until I picked up the book tonight and read this..

"One of the biggest temptations when people begin to think about living justly is to believe they need to leave where they are and move to where they perceive works of justice to be happening."

I actually stopped reading to look around, as if someone were watching me. It then went on to say further in the chapter,

"Doing missions means doing the work of the kingdom wherever you are sent. And the best way to think about where you are sent is to see where you are. God is a being of great economy. He works before you even realize it and before you sign on, and he's placed you where you are today for a reason. If you find yourself in the suburbs, welcome to your mission field."

Yikes! That is NOT exactly what I had in mind. In fact, the suburbs scare me more than downtown and I don't particularly WANT to stay and help out here. Mostly because I feel misplaced. I feel like I don't fit in among the preppy, sporty looking cliques of soccer moms whom I tend to avoid eye contact with when picking my oldest up from school. I mean, after reading my blog about schooling, I'm sure you know that after spending many years at school tying to escape from those clubs and attempting to break off and find myself, why would I even want to attempt to fit in again with a group of people whom I clearly have nothing in common with?

Okay, so I admit to making quick assumptions about people and I know you shouldn't judge book by it's cover, and I obviously have some bitterness issues (ha, and I want to help others) but, seriously God, come on! Now I know that I've said I am open to wherever God wants to lead me and use me, (and who knows at this moment where I will end up, or stay put), but obviously I am not open. Not completely anyway. So, I'm going to try to let let go now of where I think God wants me and for what purpose, and instead try to be patient (not my best quality) and trust that he will continue to prepare my heart and help guide me.

I suddenly feel lost in a sea of fish, attempting to swim upstream. I need to learn how to relax and just go with God's flow.. I had rivers and oceans in mind, but maybe where I'm called to be is right here in my own man-made lake and swimming pool community.