Love the skin you're in.

Before you begin reading, I must tell you that this was one of the most difficult posts I have written yet. I seriously thought about deleting the entire thing. I feel it is important though for me to share this part of myself with you, so I am going to be brave now and hit publish. Please me gentle on me with your responses.. and no, this is not an Oil of Olay ad campaign. :)

So.. I was out walking with a friend around campus last night taking photos and I starting talking about how I had never gone to college and how part of me regretted missing out on that experience, but the other part of me was happy to have gained "real life" knowledge at an early age. I was sharing how I felt as though I had gone to art school because I had spent so much time there with friends who were attending and also had a job there for awhile.. as a model for figure drawing classes.. then suddenly feeling embarrassed, I purposely left out one minor detail and quickly changed the subject.

Later after I got home that night I started thinking back to how self confident I had been when I was younger and how comfortable and unashamed I was in my own skin. I remember in one of the classes I had to make whatever face emotion the teacher said. I ended up not being invited back to that class because the other model and I kept getting a case of the giggles. I realized quickly that theater was not for me. As dramatic as I can be at times, getting in in out of character quickly does not come easily to me. I mostly did.. ahem, brace yourself.. nude modeling. It was actually quite easy. I would usually lay on my side and often fall asleep to the warmth of the space heater the teacher provided so I would not become chilled. Although admittedly it was a bit awkward at first, I just reminded myself that it was not my body as a whole that the art students were looking at, but the different curves and shadows, the light and angles. I loved the idea that I, with all my beautiful flaws, had become a piece of living art. And then much later in life I began to accept and embrace and the idea that God created me.. in the image of Himself.. and that I am wonderfully and magnificently made.

As I have grown older my insecurities have begun to surface though.. not long ago we were at the lake and I asked J to throw away some apple cores because I didn't want to walk across the sand in my bathing suit to the trash can. Over time I have grown less comfortable in my own skin, even though I have been wearing it longer. It doesn't make much sense to me. I think back to those times in my life that I just spoke of and think to myself, there is no way in the world I could ever do that now. Although I feel more confident in who I am as a person on the inside, I have become very insecure with my exterior self. On top of that, I just don't physically feel so good these days. I wake up achy most mornings and never feel entirely rested no matter how much sleep I get. In turn, my physical exhaustion and pain has begun to affect me both emotionally and spiritually as well.

So, I have decided to try to figure out what is going on with me. I know that part of it is just pure laziness. And part of it is the fact that it is easy to lose yourself as an individual woman once you become a wife and especially a mother. It's easy to forget about yourself when you're suddenly always putting other people first and you can barely remember to to eat and sleep, let alone exercise and take time to relax and breathe. I have become aware of the increasingly dark circles beneath my eyes and the wrinkles around the outer edges. I notice that my energy is not what it used to be and I get tired during the day so much more easily. I feel my patience running thin and my spiritual relationship with God suffering as a result.

I have decided to take time more often to just simply notice myself. I mean, really take a good long look at what I need as a person internally, so that it will shine through to the outside. I took some self portraits as a way to look at myself in a new and different light. I have started doing yoga again twice daily, and am planning to start a ballet conditioning workout along with weight lifting next week. I have made an attempt to go to bed earlier in the evening, drink more water throughout the day, and get more fresh air by taking walks more often. I have been trying to get myself to open up to people more about what I'm going through, to be more honest with myself, to write what I'm feeling so that it doesn't build up and explode inside of me or outwardly onto those around me. More than anything else though I have tried to allow myself to slow down.. to breath, and to listen to what my body, my mind, and my heart have been trying to tell me for so long now.. "Please take care of yourself."

Now I know this might sound a bit silly and embarrassing, but this evening while J took the boys to the movies, I took some time to myself to do some soul searching.. in the mirror, with my camera. Now before your mind starts going off in some weird direction, just hear me out..

When was the last time you took a look at yourself in the mirror? I don't just mean in the morning when you're putting make-up on, fixing your hair, or getting dressed. I mean REALLY looked DEEPLY at yourself? If you haven't.. I dare you to now! Lock the bathroom or bedroom door if you have to and if anyone asks what you're doing, tell them you're "looking for something you lost."

Strip down of all your clothes or put on a bathing suit, wash your face, take a photo of yourself.. notice the lines and circles, the shadows and freckles. Now put on blush and lip gloss, don't cover up your face, but highlight your favorite features and take another photo. Pull your hair back, then let it down. Make silly faces, now serious, then surprised. Look at yourself from different angles. Now, try to think outside of yourself.. as if you are someone else seeing "you" for the first time. What features do you notice right away? What's going on behind your eyes? Allow yourself to focus in on your flaws, but not dwell on them. Take photos of different parts of your body that are often overlooked.. your shoulders, ears, elbows, and toes. You can even take it a step further and make small sketches of yourself while looking in the mirror or from one of the photos you have taken. Take time to embrace the beautiful and unique creature you see in front of you and love the skin you're in. :)

I was hesitant to add the self portraits I took, but feel like if I truly want to start being honest with who I am and become comfortable again in my own skin, then I have to release myself of all fears and insecurities and stop worrying about what other people might think of me. Now stop scrutinizing me and go take your own! :)







"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body," (1 Cor. 6:19-20).

XOXO, Erin