The Story of Us

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you



I feel I should be honest now and let you know why I have not been blogging as often as I used to, and when I do... I have mostly been posting photos. It's partially because I am in the middle of preparing for some pretty big changes. But it's also because I am literally drained of words. Even to write now is taking a lot out of me. The reason being, is that I have been sending lengthy e-mails to Nolan. I've been sharing with him stories of my past, as a way of healing before entering into marriage. There is a lot I have not shared with anyone before now, and in the past it has caused friction in my relationships. The person I am now is not at all who I used to be... and although I know that God has forgiven me for my past mistakes and sins, I have not fully been able to forgive myself. I have spent many years carrying around a huge amount of guilt and shame. I have suppressed it to the point where it would come out in spurts, usually at the worst times. I have shut down, closed off, gone into deep depression. It has been quite a heavy burden to carry around.

But, I refuse let my past control me any longer... so I made the decision to start cleaning out my "garage" of past junk and getting rid of it once and for all. Thankfully, Nolan has offered to help. :) I know that it has been difficult for him to hear about what I have been through, but he recognizes that what has been done is in the past... and it is dead to me now. In the same way that I have been in the process of purging my life of "stuff", I am also purging myself of the darkness that has tried to linger within me. Getting it out into the open... shining light onto those dark places... and releasing myself of it, has been such an amazing cleansing and healing process. I feel so much lighter already. :)



Matthew 6:22-23
"The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

Ephesians 5:8-10
For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord.

Revelation 22:5
There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.

Romans 13:12
The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light.

So, I am going to tell you a lengthy story now as well, that is long overdue. :)



Nolan and I grew up in the same town, we went to the same small High School, we had many of the same close friends. And yet, I don't remember having one single conversation with him during that time. I can remember being around him in the same places, but not ever interacting. Then he went off to art school and I moved to the same city where he was in school, we continued to interact with many of the same people... and still, somehow our paths never crossed. Looking back now, I don't think it was a coincidence... I was in a very unstable & self-destructive place... and I feel that God was keeping us close to one another, while still putting a certain amount of distance between us. It was just not our time yet. He was still preparing our hearts and minds... tempering us for what was to come much later. After barely surviving those years of my life, I hit bottom... gave my life to God, and moved to Nashville, TN. Eventually I got married and we had our first son. We came back not long after he was born to go to a wedding in Ohio for close friends of ours, and it was there that I remember having my first (short) conversation with him.



It was not until this past fall that we finally spoke again. Strangely enough, we were brought back together through Facebook. Our conversations flowed so naturally and easily, and yet I still felt him holding back from me a bit. We were both being quite cautious and yet were a bit curious. J and I were separated, on the verge of divorce... and a new relationship was the last thing on my mind. Our conversations were friendly and witty... and we began to connect very deeply on a spiritual level. Although attracted to him, it did not start out as a physical or emotional thing. I did immediately feel a strong love for him though and an intense protectiveness. Something (God) was telling me to hold onto him, to not let him go... to keep pressing on. Somehow I was able to push through the hard exterior, and finally discovered that beneath it was the most beautiful gentle soul I have ever known. We began writing lengthy e-mails daily and eventually began talking on the phone regularly.



I also went back a few times to our hometown to spend time talking and praying with his mom at his family's house. I immediately felt at home and comfortable with her. I have also been able to spend a little bit of time with his sisters as well, and look forward to getting to know them better.. along with his father eventually. My mom and the boys have also met them, which is kinda funny because I have not actually been to his parents' house WITH HIM yet. :) Our relationship from the beginning has never been quite "normal" in the traditional sense of dating. But then again... nothing about either of our lives has ever been "normal" so it would only make sense for it to happen in this way. :)






Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.


I knew not long after that he was the man I would marry. I never thought of him as a boyfriend. He felt first to me as a friend, then a spiritual companion, a help meet, a partner, and then a husband. He waited patiently through my process of divorce. Eventually he flew me to Vegas and we saw each other in the airport for the first time again in 8 years. I shared this story with a couple sitting with me on the plane and they stayed with me at the airport until he arrived. The woman whispered to me after witnessing our embrace and brief introductions, "He's a keeper." It was instant chemistry. A warmth rushed over me. I felt at home in his arms immediately. I was queasy and in pain from the flight (I found out later when I returned home that I had a double ear infection and pneumonia.) But that kiss... that soft sweet gentle concerned kiss, I will never forget.



He had made me a sandwich, with my special allergy safe bread, turkey, cheese, and avocado...(which appropriately enough, I am eating the same thing now as I type this) and we shared it together in the cab. He then surprised me with a gift card, so we could go shopping together. We arrived at the outdoor mall... and as he pulled and rolled my suitcase along behind him and we headed towards H&M, he said that we needed to make one quick stop someplace else first. It was then that I found myself being led into a jewelry store, where he had had selected the most beautiful, absolutely perfect antique silver diamond ring for me to get fitted for. My hands was shaking as I tried it on... it absolutely did not seem real. I remember thinking that I must be dreaming.



Although to people on the outside looking in, I'm sure it would seem sudden. But, I felt like God had been preparing us for this moment for so long, and it was finally our time. I have been waiting my whole life for him and didn't even know it. There he was, all along... right before my eyes, and I never noticed until now how perfectly and wonderfully made we are for each other. I'm sure this all must sound completely crazy to some people, but when you know... you just know. There is no questioning it. I have learned over time as I have grown as a Christian, that God's ways are not always our ways... but when He does something, wow, He does it way better than we could have ever envisioned it ourselves. To be honest, I would have never in a million years imagined us ending up together. When we changed our status on FB to "in a relationship", a mutual friend actually thought we were joking. :) But now that we are finally together... on the verge of becoming husband and wife... I can not imagine my life with out him. I am so incredibly blessed and blown away by God's hand in this. I am truly the richest woman alive!



Sometimes I seriously can not get over how gorgeous he is! And to know that he wants me as well, just completely blows my mind sometimes. Having thousands of miles between us has been difficult, but it has brought us so much closer mentally, emotionally, and spiritually since we are not distracted by the physical. ;)What really caused me to fall so much deeper for him though was the love and care he put into planning my trip and making sure I was taken care of while there.



He especially went out of his way ahead of time to learn more about my sulfite allergy and to prepare foods that would be safe for me to eat. He made sure to stock up the fridge with groceries from Whole Foods. There was just so much specific attention to detail. It was really nice to have some listen to me and care enough to make sure that I felt comfortable, relaxed, and loved.



We spent the next day wandering around in a sleepless blur, as I quickly tried to take in the beautiful surroundings... the mountains off in the distance... the incredible man by my side. And then just as fast as I had arrived, it was already time for me to go. It has been a few months now, and he will be back for a visit the end of this month for several days, as we spend time alone together and also with the boys. The waiting period has been at times excruciating, but I have kept myself distracted by remaining focused on the busyness of kids and homeschooling, also with purging, sorting, packing... along with working through issues of my past with his patient, non-judging, and loving support. Just knowing that soon we will be together again helps give me the energy and strength I need to push through and keep moving forward... I am so thankful for his encouragement along the way. :)






Now we are in the process of preparing for our future together. So much is going to change very soon. I have been diligently searching for a job the past few months. I have applied to nearly 20 places... it has been exhausting and frustrating, but I must continue pressing on and trusting that God will open a door for me. I have also been apartment hunting. Trying to find a place that is in a safe neighborhood with good schools, but also not too far from public transportation for Nolan, has been challenging. But, I think we may have finally found a place. Now my focus has been on trying to find an affordable preschool for my youngest and also possibly after-school care for my oldest, who will be returning to public school once I go back to work. Having stayed at home with my children for the past 8 years, I am honestly stunned by the cost of child care. And not being able to find a job has become daunting as far as trying to figure out how I will pay for everything. Although my oldest is excited about returning to school, my youngest is much more shy and is used to being with me all day. They are going through so many huge changes right now as well, so I want to make sure that this transition is as easy on them as possible. As a result, they have been going through the process along with me... we have had many lengthy discussions about what is going to happen in the next few months, and I have made sure to be very sensitive of their thoughts and feelings, including them in every decision that I make along the way.



I am definitely being put through many tests of faith right now... thankfully I have a lot of encouragement and support from family and friends, along with an amazing group of women from my church... who have recently been a source of spiritual strength for me. I know that God will continue to guide us... as we continue to put our faith and trust in Him. I met this really incredible woman this past weekend while looking at an apartment who told me that she writes down things that she is anxious about, puts them into a special "God box", and then lets them go!

I know that, I too, need to take all of my worries and fears from the past and present, along with anxiety about the future... and release them up to God.

Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I can not wait until the day that we are finally together. We are going to be married this summer. Our plan is to elope and spend time in Vegas together, and then have a celebration with family and friends when we return. Until then, we send cards and small gifts to one another (I have an incredible present being delivered to me very soon), talk on the phone for hours... and continue to pray and grow closer to one another while thousands of miles apart.



I am focusing on the present, looking forward to the future, and am so excited to see where this story leads us. :) I truly believe in the old saying, "Distance makes the heart grow fonder."

So happy to finally share this journey with you. Thank you for taking the time to come along with me...

Much love and many blessings,
Erin