My hope is built on nothing less...

My dear bloggy friends,

I know that I've been writing about some pretty heavy duty stuff recently, but these are issues I feel need dealt with. Writing has always been a form of therapy for me. I wrote in journals for years before blogging, and have thrown away most of what I have written in the past because I felt I no longer needed to hold onto those things anymore. I have continued the process of opening up and exposing myself to the light through blogging, so that I may continue to heal from my past. To me, an important part of the process is simply just being honest with ourselves and others. To write about our inner struggles and demons exposes them, so that they no longer live inside of us... but outside, and therefore can no longer control us. They may still try to attack at times and it may continue to be an ongoing battle for some time, but eventually we begin to heal... to forgive... to trust... to let go... and to know that there is still hope for the hopeless. Thank you for continuing this journey with me.



I'm pretty sure it's just hormone-related... or maybe it's partially the rainy weather which causes my muscles and bones to ache and makes my head and face feel like they are going to explode... or maybe it's because my youngest has not been sleeping well this week, which means I have not been sleeping well this week.... or it could be that I am going through an enormous amount of change and am feeling incredibly overwhelmed.

Whatever it is, I feel cranky and mis-understood. I thought maybe I just needed to get away for a day or two... so I planned a trip this weekend to my best friend's house. She made reservations for us and several of her other girlfriends to go to a chocolate bar. I am worried that I will not be able to find something on the menu that is safe for me to eat. I am looking forward to girl time and I rarely ever go anywhere with other adults, especially not out to eat... but at the same time I am feeling really un-social and would almost rather just go sit alone in a cave by myself instead.



While I'm being honest now... I feel I should also add that lately I have been feeling like giving up blogging. I have been struggling with expressing myself, not only through writing, but through my personal conversations as well. I have been feeling very protective over myself and my life. It is in such a fragile state right now and I am being so overly careful not to make any of the same past mistakes. One thing I have recently recognized in myself though is that I tend to often shut down when I feel overwhelmed. As difficult as it is for me, I am trying really hard to push through that instinct. I am incredibly stubborn and strong-willed and have a hard time asking people for help... I tend to think I can take on the world by myself. At times I even become obsessive and controlling. What I am beginning to realize though is that it's mostly coming from a place of fear and insecurity.

So, I've decided today... instead of closing myself off, shutting down, or even running away... to write about it instead. I feel like now that it's out in the open, exposed to the light... it is released and does not have control over me. I'm also going to resist my desire to be alone and go out this weekend... push myself out of my protective comfort zone and do something different for once. As much as I do not feel like being around people and would rather stay in my jammies under the covers with a box of Kashi cookies and have a whiny cranky pity party for myself... I know that it is not healthy for me. I'm not saying that it's not okay to EVER do that. Everyone needs time to themselves occasionally and sometimes it just feels really good to snuggle up with comfort food and cry. But, my problem is that I get stuck in that mode and can't get back out again.



I have struggled with depression since I was in High School. At one point as I was put in the hospital for it after being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was on Lithium and had to go through many different forms of therapy. Eventually I got off of medication and have found other ways to deal with it that don't make me feel like a numb robot. I am able to cope with it so much better now and my relationship with God, along with the help and support of family and friends, has made such a difference. Back when I was in the hospital, I refused to admit that I had a problem. I would shut off and pretend that I was okay and would never talk about it to anyone, even though it was very obvious as a result of my behavior.

I have learned through God's forgiveness and grace though that I don't have to be afraid to talk about it anymore... I don't have to be ashamed or feel bad about admitting that I still occasionally struggle and need help and support. Depression does not have to control me... I do not have to run or hide from it. And I'm also not going to pretend that it doesn't exist. It is something that I cope with almost daily, some days are worse than others... this time of the month is the worst of all just because I am hormonal on top of everything else.

Opening up, writing, talking, finding others who can listen, relate, pray for you... those are the things that have helped me through. Although spending quiet time alone occasionally in silence, meditation, prayer, or Scripture reading is very important and much needed... it's also so vital to seek out community and support. I am also finding that laughter is SO good for the soul. Recently the boys and I have been playing mad libs and they are just so hysterical. The other night we also took serious and then silly photos and danced around the room to music. I felt so much better afterward.



Another thing that I struggle with, especially during the long winter months, is getting enough fresh air, sunshine, and exercise. Long walks with my camera in hand during the warmer months always re-energizes my soul, and in the colder months I try to do yoga twice daily and even occasionally just walk around the mall or the grocery store to get some excess energy out and be around other people in public. I also try to limit my caffeine intake to 1-2 cups of espresso a day, because it spikes my energy level and when it drops I feel groggy. I try to juice every day, eat lots of raw fruits and veggies, and take vitamins and supplements.

I also have difficulty getting enough sleep, which I know has an enormous impact on my health and mood. I have had chronic insomnia since I was pregnant with my oldest, for 7 years now. It's mostly a result of not being able to shut my mind off at the end of the day. It usually helps a little to take a long bath, do yoga, meditate, read Scripture, and pray. I have tried all kinds of different natural herbs and sleep remedies. Most help me to relax, but not fall asleep. I usually have to take Unisom as well. Obviously, lack of sleep can cause irritability and moodiness, not to mention many other health issues. So, I try to get as much rest as possible by taking time to let before bed to take time to slow down and let go of all worry and anxiety. Easier said than done though. :)



Something that has really helped me recently is going to a woman's group at church every Monday morning. We have been doing a Bible study through a workbook/ video series called, "Me, Myself, and Lies" lead by Jennifer Rothchild. It has been incredibly challenging for me, as I've been forced to take a peek inside my thought closet and look at why I have convinced myself of certain lies about myself. The last Chapter in the workbook deals with Hope, which is something I have needed an extra dose of lately. It has taken us into the Book of Psalms, which I tend to relate to more than any other.

Psalm 42:5 "Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again Praise Him for the help of His presence."

When I become overwhelmed and filled with worry, despair, and depression...

Psalm 61:2-4 "From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I: For thou has become a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy."



It is in these words and through the hope that I have in Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, that gives me the strength I need to get out of bed and make it through each day.

I am curious as to what helps you through your dark, moody, and depressed days?

Hope you all have a good weekend. :)

Much love and many blessings,
Erin