Alright people, hopefully this post will be slightly more uplifting, lol.
So, I had plans this past weekend to visit Jamie, who is my oldest & closest friend from High School. But, I awoke Saturday morning with massive cramps and was unsure whether or not I was going to make it out of bed. I desperately needed to get away though and do not like to cancel plans on people last minute, so I took some Advil, a hot bath, and pushed through the pain and my moody mood. The drive ended up being really therapeutic. Nolan sent me some new music in the mail the week before, including Massive Attack and a couple of beautiful mixed CDs... it rained the entire way there and I just allowed myself to relax and sink into the music as I drove. It was so nice.... and almost felt like he was in the car with me. :)
I'm really happy that I ended up going. It was so good to get out for the evening with some other women. We picked up a few of Jamie's friends and the rest met up with us at "The Chocolate Bar". Thankfully I was able to find something safe on the menu to eat. Although, it was comforting knowing that her sister Michelle (who is a nurse) was there in case I needed someone to stab me with my Epi pen. :)We ordered gaggingly sweet martinis (I ended up giving the rest of mine to Jamie after a few sips) and I skipped dessert because it's difficult to find sweet treats without eggs and I am really careful not to consume much sugar, other than fruit & agave nectar. But, it was a really nice restaurant and so good to have grown-up conversation!
We walked to another bar afterward and I ordered a vodka and cranberry, which is more my style... and on our way there we passed this really cool Organic restaurant that I am definitely going to have to go to the next time I'm in town. :) The weather was freezing cold and rainy, but it was kinda fun splashing through puddles and huddling under an umbrella with my bestest friend. :)
I had horrible insomnia that night, as I usually do when I stay away from home... but I talked to my honey on the phone for awhile and got to sleep in the next morning, which is always a nice treat. On Sunday I made lunch and then got coffee and we wandered around the mall for a bit before it was time for me to head back home. It was so good spending time with her and nice to get away, but the weekend went entirely much too fast!
This morning was the last day of my womens Bible study. I am really going to miss going. As difficult as it is for me to get myself out of the house and push through my comfort zone, I am realizing more and more how important it is to surround myself with other women. It really helps me to feel not so alone, knowing that I have a support system. I'm also finally understanding how good and healthy it is to occasionally go out for the evening. It felt so good to talk, laugh, and enjoy myself for once! :)
I know that I've been writing about some pretty heavy duty stuff recently, but these are issues I feel need dealt with. Writing has always been a form of therapy for me. I wrote in journals for years before blogging, and have thrown away most of what I have written in the past because I felt I no longer needed to hold onto those things anymore. I have continued the process of opening up and exposing myself to the light through blogging, so that I may continue to heal from my past. To me, an important part of the process is simply just being honest with ourselves and others. To write about our inner struggles and demons exposes them, so that they no longer live inside of us... but outside, and therefore can no longer control us. They may still try to attack at times and it may continue to be an ongoing battle for some time, but eventually we begin to heal... to forgive... to trust... to let go... and to know that there is still hope for the hopeless. Thank you for continuing this journey with me.
I'm pretty sure it's just hormone-related... or maybe it's partially the rainy weather which causes my muscles and bones to ache and makes my head and face feel like they are going to explode... or maybe it's because my youngest has not been sleeping well this week, which means I have not been sleeping well this week.... or it could be that I am going through an enormous amount of change and am feeling incredibly overwhelmed.
Whatever it is, I feel cranky and mis-understood. I thought maybe I just needed to get away for a day or two... so I planned a trip this weekend to my best friend's house. She made reservations for us and several of her other girlfriends to go to a chocolate bar. I am worried that I will not be able to find something on the menu that is safe for me to eat. I am looking forward to girl time and I rarely ever go anywhere with other adults, especially not out to eat... but at the same time I am feeling really un-social and would almost rather just go sit alone in a cave by myself instead.
While I'm being honest now... I feel I should also add that lately I have been feeling like giving up blogging. I have been struggling with expressing myself, not only through writing, but through my personal conversations as well. I have been feeling very protective over myself and my life. It is in such a fragile state right now and I am being so overly careful not to make any of the same past mistakes. One thing I have recently recognized in myself though is that I tend to often shut down when I feel overwhelmed. As difficult as it is for me, I am trying really hard to push through that instinct. I am incredibly stubborn and strong-willed and have a hard time asking people for help... I tend to think I can take on the world by myself. At times I even become obsessive and controlling. What I am beginning to realize though is that it's mostly coming from a place of fear and insecurity.
So, I've decided today... instead of closing myself off, shutting down, or even running away... to write about it instead. I feel like now that it's out in the open, exposed to the light... it is released and does not have control over me. I'm also going to resist my desire to be alone and go out this weekend... push myself out of my protective comfort zone and do something different for once. As much as I do not feel like being around people and would rather stay in my jammies under the covers with a box of Kashi cookies and have a whiny cranky pity party for myself... I know that it is not healthy for me. I'm not saying that it's not okay to EVER do that. Everyone needs time to themselves occasionally and sometimes it just feels really good to snuggle up with comfort food and cry. But, my problem is that I get stuck in that mode and can't get back out again.
I have struggled with depression since I was in High School. At one point as I was put in the hospital for it after being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was on Lithium and had to go through many different forms of therapy. Eventually I got off of medication and have found other ways to deal with it that don't make me feel like a numb robot. I am able to cope with it so much better now and my relationship with God, along with the help and support of family and friends, has made such a difference. Back when I was in the hospital, I refused to admit that I had a problem. I would shut off and pretend that I was okay and would never talk about it to anyone, even though it was very obvious as a result of my behavior.
I have learned through God's forgiveness and grace though that I don't have to be afraid to talk about it anymore... I don't have to be ashamed or feel bad about admitting that I still occasionally struggle and need help and support. Depression does not have to control me... I do not have to run or hide from it. And I'm also not going to pretend that it doesn't exist. It is something that I cope with almost daily, some days are worse than others... this time of the month is the worst of all just because I am hormonal on top of everything else.
Opening up, writing, talking, finding others who can listen, relate, pray for you... those are the things that have helped me through. Although spending quiet time alone occasionally in silence, meditation, prayer, or Scripture reading is very important and much needed... it's also so vital to seek out community and support. I am also finding that laughter is SO good for the soul. Recently the boys and I have been playing mad libs and they are just so hysterical. The other night we also took serious and then silly photos and danced around the room to music. I felt so much better afterward.
Another thing that I struggle with, especially during the long winter months, is getting enough fresh air, sunshine, and exercise. Long walks with my camera in hand during the warmer months always re-energizes my soul, and in the colder months I try to do yoga twice daily and even occasionally just walk around the mall or the grocery store to get some excess energy out and be around other people in public. I also try to limit my caffeine intake to 1-2 cups of espresso a day, because it spikes my energy level and when it drops I feel groggy. I try to juice every day, eat lots of raw fruits and veggies, and take vitamins and supplements.
I also have difficulty getting enough sleep, which I know has an enormous impact on my health and mood. I have had chronic insomnia since I was pregnant with my oldest, for 7 years now. It's mostly a result of not being able to shut my mind off at the end of the day. It usually helps a little to take a long bath, do yoga, meditate, read Scripture, and pray. I have tried all kinds of different natural herbs and sleep remedies. Most help me to relax, but not fall asleep. I usually have to take Unisom as well. Obviously, lack of sleep can cause irritability and moodiness, not to mention many other health issues. So, I try to get as much rest as possible by taking time to let before bed to take time to slow down and let go of all worry and anxiety. Easier said than done though. :)
Something that has really helped me recently is going to a woman's group at church every Monday morning. We have been doing a Bible study through a workbook/ video series called, "Me, Myself, and Lies" lead by Jennifer Rothchild. It has been incredibly challenging for me, as I've been forced to take a peek inside my thought closet and look at why I have convinced myself of certain lies about myself. The last Chapter in the workbook deals with Hope, which is something I have needed an extra dose of lately. It has taken us into the Book of Psalms, which I tend to relate to more than any other.
Psalm 42:5 "Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again Praise Him for the help of His presence."
When I become overwhelmed and filled with worry, despair, and depression...
Psalm 61:2-4 "From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I: For thou has become a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy."
It is in these words and through the hope that I have in Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, that gives me the strength I need to get out of bed and make it through each day.
I am curious as to what helps you through your dark, moody, and depressed days?
Our little tribe is in transition right now. Nolan and I have been praying for God's guidance and direction. Originally we had planned to stay in the burbs... mostly because of safety and good schools. Those things are still very important to us. But my heart is strongly feeling tugged at and pulled back to the city again. I have been fighting it for years now. I think I even wrote about it in a past blog... but ended up staying in the safety of the suburbs. Don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with suburban life. Who doesn't want their family to feel safe? But there is a big difference between the natural instinct of protecting your children and sheltering them from the world. I have not only been overly protective of them, but also over myself as well.
It has been bothering me lately. I don't like that they think that if we run out of food, all we have to do is go to the store and buy more, so they can eat as much as they want. I don't like how demanding and selfish and unappreciative they have become. I don't like having to remind them before every meal to say a little prayer of thanks to God. I don't like that they think they can have whatever they want whenever they want without understanding the blessings behind it all.
Things need to start changing very soon. I don't ever want my children to worry about starvation, but I do want them to understand where their food comes from and the sacrifices each person along the way made for it to get from the ground to their plates. I also want them to understand that many people do not have the finances and/or access to healthy food. This knowledge has been plaguing me for quite some time now and I can no longer ignore it. I think it's awesome what food banks and soup kitchens help provide people with groceries and meals. But I can not help but question how healthy those foods are that they provide. I know that budget is always an issue... but it seems to me there has to be a way to provide people in the inner city with access to affordable organic produce. That is one of the reasons I love the idea of urban community gardens so much. Not only does it provide healthy food, but it brings people together to work towards building a stronger neighborhood.
This is what the boys and I had for lunch today...
Although I noticed that veggies were missing, so I will have to make sure that they get some through snacks and dinner. I have a difficult time getting them to eat enough veggies, so I juice a lot... carrot apple celery is our favorite. :) Today the boys had veggie "chicken" nuggets, organic corn chips, fresh pineapple slices, and organic chocolate milk. Normally they will only drink soy, but they will drink cow milk if it is in chocolate form. I had a turkey, cheese, and avocado sandwich on flax seed bread, corn chips, and pineapple slices. This is a pretty typical lunch for us. Not a day goes by, or a bite of food taken, that I forget to give thanks for the blessing our rich Father in Heaven has poured upon us. That's not to say that we don't have to skimp and save at times... to ration it out... to be aware of how much money we are spending and to make it last. But, He has always been faithful in taking care of our basic needs. I am acutely aware that there are others who need provisions, and I can not sit by any longer and do absolutely nothing to help.
They are also in the habit of eating lunch at 11:00 and dinner at 4:00 every single day, and they make sure to remind me of this. I don't know what they would do if their little schedule was suddenly thrown off. It would be an enormous catastrophe, there would be chaos and destruction, and also probably lots of whining and pouting, along with dramatic performances... including props, which would consist of empty plates and clocks. They have no idea what it feel like to be hungry. I mean truly hungry, in the sense of not having eaten for a long time and not having any idea when your next meal will be. I don't EVER want them to know what that feels like, but I DO want them to understand that it EXISTS in our world, and that people every day are suffering from it.
I feel myself being drawn to the city... and as terrified as I am of leaving my little comfort zone and am distraught at the thought of my time schedule getting turned upside down, I can not fight these stirrings any longer. So, I am praying for God to prepare me for this path I am feeling lead down. The other issue I am having to pray about is protection from my past demons. Another reason why I struggle with spending time in the city is a result of the life I once lived there many years ago. Most of you don't know that I used to be a drug addict (amongst other things). Although it has been over 12 years ago now, it is something I am still dealing with. I know that God has forgiven me, but I have been in the process recently of trying to forgive myself. My heart aches for people who are where I once was, and so I have been asking God to use me however he can... even if it's just to listen.
I have been putting all of my energy into my children for the past 8 years and have been recently focused on homeschooling. They are still my first priority, and I feel it has helped me to become stronger as a woman and has also taught me to be patient, understanding, and more loving. But there are things now that I feel called to myself. One of those things is school... I have gone back and forth about what area of study to focus on. Health/ nutrition/ and natural beauty products are very important to me... but beyond that, is the desire to teach that God has given us EVERYTHING we need to be healthy. And even beyond that... to help others understand the importance of taking care of our souls as well, through Scripture reading, prayer, and by forming and nurturing healthy relationship with God, our family and friends, and other people around us.
So, I have been praying... Lord, how can I combine all of my desires and passions into one ministry? And the answer was so clear and simple to me.
The Olive Tree Community.
I feel I still have a little way to go as God continues to prepare me... please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I embark upon this new journey.
Much love and many blessings,
Erin
Also, you may or may not be familiar with Jamie Oliver. Admittedly, when I first discovered his cookbooks years ago, I had a bit of a crush... but he has since become one of my biggest inspirations. He is a husband, a father, and a young crusader in the world of food. If you have a chance, please check out his website and click on "Campaigns". :)
And for further reading, check out this list of books on food/politics at Amazon.com
It's Sunday night and I'm trying to figure out where the weekend went. Time just seems to be flying by so quickly these days. I have been without a car now for several months, so the only time I have access to the other car (J's) is on the weekend, which means I have to squeeze a lot of stuff into a small amount of time. Recently it's been spent collecting and returning job applications, apartment hunting, errand running, grocery shopping, and occasionally church when we're all healthy at the same time. Yesterday I went to look at another apartment and really loved it. The unit itself was pretty small, but there was a lot of open outdoor green space, which is very important to the boys. It was also in a nice neighborhood and in an excellent school district. It was not the area I had originally intended to move to, but I have been trying to keep an open heart and mind and follow God's lead... (more on that soon.)The sky was such a beautiful shade of blue and the sun was shining... it was the warmest day we have had in awhile. And by 'warm' I mean, high 30's, ha! :)
After that I ran a few errands.. went to Whole Foods and to my favorite toy store to see if they had Mad Libs (which they did & the boys were very excited about),then ran back home to grab a bite to eat, and then was off again to get a much needed hair cut. I had only been to that particular mall a couple times and never to the salon, so I realized when I got there that I could not remember in the mall where it was located. I speed walked through the entire second floor, unable to find it, only to finally discover that it was on the first floor, way at the entire opposite end of the mall. By the time I got there I was wheezy and sweaty. I was also completely embarrassed by my hair color, as I recently had a bit of a mishap. :(
It looked cute in the pic below for about two days until it started turning orange....
So, what happened was that I tried to put blonde streaks in my hair myself, but they were much too dramatic, so I tried to tone the rest of my hair down a shade using a mixture of lemon juice/conditioner and it was super cute at first (the pic in my last blog was taken after that). But then after a few more washes my hair started turning really orange and blotchy. So I decided to try to go back to light brown again, but instead it just turned the streaks a green-ish gray color. Then after much googling, I read that you have to use a red tone first as a filler, before dying brown over top. So then I colored it red, which turned it a horrible shade of orange/purple and then dyed it brown over top. For some reason most of my hair took the brown, but some rejected it, so now it's mostly really dark auburn brown, with purple/red on top. It only looks normal in this pic because you can't see my roots...
So, I am completely broke by this point, because I just spent so much money buying boxed hair dye, and the girl who cut my hair HIGHLY suggested I do not try to fix it again myself. So, thankfully... I remembered that I had a gift card for an Aveda spa/salon for a massage from like a year ago that I keep forgetting to use. After calling to inquire, they said I could use it for any treatment I want. So, I made an appointment to have my hair color fixed, and am giving up my massage... sigh.
It's a good thing I held onto that gift card all this time, because otherwise I would be forced to continue going out in public with really badly dyed hair. So... hopefully they will be able to fix the damage I have caused. The funny thing is (not ha ha funny) is that I am probably going to end up with the same color I had to begin with! I have definitely learned my lesson. And if I EVER decide to try to highlight my hair again myself, somebody please stop me! I mean, I've had hair minor hair trauma in the past, bu this definitely was by far the worst experience ever. Now I'm just praying that my hair doesn't fall out and have been spending a lot of time deep conditioning with olive oil, honey, and avocado. Yum :)
Today, on the other hand, was not so productive. The boys have both had colds and coughs all week and I have been feeling some congestion in my chest, but have been determined that I can fight it off with oranges. This morning I woke up with a splitting headache and pain in my chest though, so I decided to just take it easy in bed. I got caught up on e-mail, researched schools for the boys and myself, filled out my apartment application, caught up with my mom on the phone, etc. But, the absolute best part of it was that I did it all on my brand new memory foam mattress! Nolan knows that I have suffered for years with severe back and neck problems, so he decided we needed a new mattress and had it shipped to me this past week. :) Admittedly, I am feeling a little guilty about getting to sleep on it now, while he has to wait several more months. But, it's pretty amazing and definitely the most romantic gift ever. It's so sweet how concerned he is about my health and well being. :)
I have slept really well the past two nights, but my back is a little sore as it is trying to adjust to the new level of firmness. The funny thing is that when I first got it out of the package and put it on my box spring it looks so skinny and ridiculously dwarfed in comparison to my giant sleigh bed frame, so I decided to put it on top of my regular mattress as sort of a pillow topper. By the next morning though it had doubled in size and now I am up so high off of the ground! I thought about removing my other mattress, but decided that I kinda like being so high up in the air. I feel lofty and royal. Like the princess and the pea. :) So, I don't care what anyone says, I'm leaving it like this. It is hilarious though watching the boys try to get into it. They sorta run and jump, and then cling onto the side and shimmy up the rest of the way. Also, once they are on it, they have trouble getting back down. It's been fun cuddling up in it together though, reading Dr. Seuss books and laughing hysterically over Mad Libs.
There is just one person missing though... thankfully our tribe will be together in just a few weeks, when Nolan comes to visit for several days. In the meantime, it's nice to lay in bed and talk to him on the phone... daydreaming that he is snuggled up beside me. Sigh...
Nighty nite & sweet dreams...
XOXO, Erin
Does anyone else have any hair horror stories to share, or am I the only one?
P.S.- More than once I cut my own hair as short as Dolores O'Riordan. And in High school I used to have to listen to "the Cranberries" to be able to fall asleep every night. Even now they still make my eyelids heavy...
All of these lines across my face Tell you the story of who I am So many stories of where I've been And how I got to where I am But these stories don't mean anything When you've got no one to tell them to It's true...I was made for you I climbed across the mountain tops Swam all across the ocean blue I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules But baby I broke them all for you Because even when I was flat broke You made me feel like a million bucks You do I was made for you You see the smile that's on my mouth It's hiding the words that don't come out And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed They don't know my head is a mess No, they don't know who I really am And they don't know what I've been through like you do And I was made for you... All of these lines across my face Tell you the story of who I am So many stories of where I've been And how I got to where I am But these stories don't mean anything When you've got no one to tell them to It's true...I was made for you
I feel I should be honest now and let you know why I have not been blogging as often as I used to, and when I do... I have mostly been posting photos. It's partially because I am in the middle of preparing for some pretty big changes. But it's also because I am literally drained of words. Even to write now is taking a lot out of me. The reason being, is that I have been sending lengthy e-mails to Nolan. I've been sharing with him stories of my past, as a way of healing before entering into marriage. There is a lot I have not shared with anyone before now, and in the past it has caused friction in my relationships. The person I am now is not at all who I used to be... and although I know that God has forgiven me for my past mistakes and sins, I have not fully been able to forgive myself. I have spent many years carrying around a huge amount of guilt and shame. I have suppressed it to the point where it would come out in spurts, usually at the worst times. I have shut down, closed off, gone into deep depression. It has been quite a heavy burden to carry around.
But, I refuse let my past control me any longer... so I made the decision to start cleaning out my "garage" of past junk and getting rid of it once and for all. Thankfully, Nolan has offered to help. :) I know that it has been difficult for him to hear about what I have been through, but he recognizes that what has been done is in the past... and it is dead to me now. In the same way that I have been in the process of purging my life of "stuff", I am also purging myself of the darkness that has tried to linger within me. Getting it out into the open... shining light onto those dark places... and releasing myself of it, has been such an amazing cleansing and healing process. I feel so much lighter already. :)
Matthew 6:22-23 "The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!
Ephesians 5:8-10 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord.
Revelation 22:5 There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.
Romans 13:12 The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light.
So, I am going to tell you a lengthy story now as well, that is long overdue. :)
Nolan and I grew up in the same town, we went to the same small High School, we had many of the same close friends. And yet, I don't remember having one single conversation with him during that time. I can remember being around him in the same places, but not ever interacting. Then he went off to art school and I moved to the same city where he was in school, we continued to interact with many of the same people... and still, somehow our paths never crossed. Looking back now, I don't think it was a coincidence... I was in a very unstable & self-destructive place... and I feel that God was keeping us close to one another, while still putting a certain amount of distance between us. It was just not our time yet. He was still preparing our hearts and minds... tempering us for what was to come much later. After barely surviving those years of my life, I hit bottom... gave my life to God, and moved to Nashville, TN. Eventually I got married and we had our first son. We came back not long after he was born to go to a wedding in Ohio for close friends of ours, and it was there that I remember having my first (short) conversation with him.
It was not until this past fall that we finally spoke again. Strangely enough, we were brought back together through Facebook. Our conversations flowed so naturally and easily, and yet I still felt him holding back from me a bit. We were both being quite cautious and yet were a bit curious. J and I were separated, on the verge of divorce... and a new relationship was the last thing on my mind. Our conversations were friendly and witty... and we began to connect very deeply on a spiritual level. Although attracted to him, it did not start out as a physical or emotional thing. I did immediately feel a strong love for him though and an intense protectiveness. Something (God) was telling me to hold onto him, to not let him go... to keep pressing on. Somehow I was able to push through the hard exterior, and finally discovered that beneath it was the most beautiful gentle soul I have ever known. We began writing lengthy e-mails daily and eventually began talking on the phone regularly.
I also went back a few times to our hometown to spend time talking and praying with his mom at his family's house. I immediately felt at home and comfortable with her. I have also been able to spend a little bit of time with his sisters as well, and look forward to getting to know them better.. along with his father eventually. My mom and the boys have also met them, which is kinda funny because I have not actually been to his parents' house WITH HIM yet. :) Our relationship from the beginning has never been quite "normal" in the traditional sense of dating. But then again... nothing about either of our lives has ever been "normal" so it would only make sense for it to happen in this way. :)
Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
I knew not long after that he was the man I would marry. I never thought of him as a boyfriend. He felt first to me as a friend, then a spiritual companion, a help meet, a partner, and then a husband. He waited patiently through my process of divorce. Eventually he flew me to Vegas and we saw each other in the airport for the first time again in 8 years. I shared this story with a couple sitting with me on the plane and they stayed with me at the airport until he arrived. The woman whispered to me after witnessing our embrace and brief introductions, "He's a keeper." It was instant chemistry. A warmth rushed over me. I felt at home in his arms immediately. I was queasy and in pain from the flight (I found out later when I returned home that I had a double ear infection and pneumonia.) But that kiss... that soft sweet gentle concerned kiss, I will never forget.
He had made me a sandwich, with my special allergy safe bread, turkey, cheese, and avocado...(which appropriately enough, I am eating the same thing now as I type this) and we shared it together in the cab. He then surprised me with a gift card, so we could go shopping together. We arrived at the outdoor mall... and as he pulled and rolled my suitcase along behind him and we headed towards H&M, he said that we needed to make one quick stop someplace else first. It was then that I found myself being led into a jewelry store, where he had had selected the most beautiful, absolutely perfect antique silver diamond ring for me to get fitted for. My hands was shaking as I tried it on... it absolutely did not seem real. I remember thinking that I must be dreaming.
Although to people on the outside looking in, I'm sure it would seem sudden. But, I felt like God had been preparing us for this moment for so long, and it was finally our time. I have been waiting my whole life for him and didn't even know it. There he was, all along... right before my eyes, and I never noticed until now how perfectly and wonderfully made we are for each other. I'm sure this all must sound completely crazy to some people, but when you know... you just know. There is no questioning it. I have learned over time as I have grown as a Christian, that God's ways are not always our ways... but when He does something, wow, He does it way better than we could have ever envisioned it ourselves. To be honest, I would have never in a million years imagined us ending up together. When we changed our status on FB to "in a relationship", a mutual friend actually thought we were joking. :) But now that we are finally together... on the verge of becoming husband and wife... I can not imagine my life with out him. I am so incredibly blessed and blown away by God's hand in this. I am truly the richest woman alive!
Sometimes I seriously can not get over how gorgeous he is! And to know that he wants me as well, just completely blows my mind sometimes. Having thousands of miles between us has been difficult, but it has brought us so much closer mentally, emotionally, and spiritually since we are not distracted by the physical. ;)What really caused me to fall so much deeper for him though was the love and care he put into planning my trip and making sure I was taken care of while there.
He especially went out of his way ahead of time to learn more about my sulfite allergy and to prepare foods that would be safe for me to eat. He made sure to stock up the fridge with groceries from Whole Foods. There was just so much specific attention to detail. It was really nice to have some listen to me and care enough to make sure that I felt comfortable, relaxed, and loved.
We spent the next day wandering around in a sleepless blur, as I quickly tried to take in the beautiful surroundings... the mountains off in the distance... the incredible man by my side. And then just as fast as I had arrived, it was already time for me to go. It has been a few months now, and he will be back for a visit the end of this month for several days, as we spend time alone together and also with the boys. The waiting period has been at times excruciating, but I have kept myself distracted by remaining focused on the busyness of kids and homeschooling, also with purging, sorting, packing... along with working through issues of my past with his patient, non-judging, and loving support. Just knowing that soon we will be together again helps give me the energy and strength I need to push through and keep moving forward... I am so thankful for his encouragement along the way. :)
Now we are in the process of preparing for our future together. So much is going to change very soon. I have been diligently searching for a job the past few months. I have applied to nearly 20 places... it has been exhausting and frustrating, but I must continue pressing on and trusting that God will open a door for me. I have also been apartment hunting. Trying to find a place that is in a safe neighborhood with good schools, but also not too far from public transportation for Nolan, has been challenging. But, I think we may have finally found a place. Now my focus has been on trying to find an affordable preschool for my youngest and also possibly after-school care for my oldest, who will be returning to public school once I go back to work. Having stayed at home with my children for the past 8 years, I am honestly stunned by the cost of child care. And not being able to find a job has become daunting as far as trying to figure out how I will pay for everything. Although my oldest is excited about returning to school, my youngest is much more shy and is used to being with me all day. They are going through so many huge changes right now as well, so I want to make sure that this transition is as easy on them as possible. As a result, they have been going through the process along with me... we have had many lengthy discussions about what is going to happen in the next few months, and I have made sure to be very sensitive of their thoughts and feelings, including them in every decision that I make along the way.
I am definitely being put through many tests of faith right now... thankfully I have a lot of encouragement and support from family and friends, along with an amazing group of women from my church... who have recently been a source of spiritual strength for me. I know that God will continue to guide us... as we continue to put our faith and trust in Him. I met this really incredible woman this past weekend while looking at an apartment who told me that she writes down things that she is anxious about, puts them into a special "God box", and then lets them go!
I know that, I too, need to take all of my worries and fears from the past and present, along with anxiety about the future... and release them up to God.
Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I can not wait until the day that we are finally together. We are going to be married this summer. Our plan is to elope and spend time in Vegas together, and then have a celebration with family and friends when we return. Until then, we send cards and small gifts to one another (I have an incredible present being delivered to me very soon), talk on the phone for hours... and continue to pray and grow closer to one another while thousands of miles apart.
I am focusing on the present, looking forward to the future, and am so excited to see where this story leads us. :) I truly believe in the old saying, "Distance makes the heart grow fonder."
So happy to finally share this journey with you. Thank you for taking the time to come along with me...
